Weds January 30th 2013

7.16a.m.

I’ve basically just woken up and have very little grip on this pen I’m holding but hopefully my thoughts will just flow onto the page. Unfortunately my first thing is that I need to do my tax return, it’s shocking and ridiculous that I haven’t done it yet and it makes me angry with myself if I’m honest. I’m sure that if I take a few minutes to look at the form properly I’ll get it done and I will feel good for getting it sorted.

My eyes are barely open. How did I sleep? Better than I have for a few days. Still quite disturbed but much better, got a few hours at least but feel haunted sometimes by things in my own mind and wish I had more self- control and ability to stop things from swirling around all the time. My period is still around but not properly which is confusing. I’d like it to definitely start so I can just be sure that I’m not pregnant although given that I have the symptoms I’m pretty sure I’m not. Am I a bad person? I’m so inadequate and unable to make any decisions at the moment. I have absolutely no idea of what to do. I’m stuck. I don’t want to go through things again and the problem is that I am sure that we will end up here again and I won’t be able to be anywhere close to tolerant. The tap is running in the bathroom. When shall I do my workout today? I’m quite hungry. Porridge with Nutella. Yum. What I do? Damn. Friends being so kind, checking in all the time. Blog. I want to start putting things on my blog but funnily I am completely terrified because its honestly saying what you feel about stuff and you put yourself up to be judged! I want some Acting work. Don’t want to be sitting here in a year’s time lamenting a lack of action. Although when I think about it its cool that I have worked on stuff that if you actually wanted to see there is stuff out there. Which is quite cool. It’d be good to start getting paid for it.

Personal training. Would love to start on that but I do need start up money and I don’t have that unfortunately. Porridge and tea. And Nutella. Solutions to every problem.

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