Thurs January 31st 2013

7.45am

I am sleepy. Had a disturbed sleep. Radio 4 is on and they are talking about Egypt, volleys of tear gas, freedom. Something about the time. I wonder how this will affect this. Quite profoundly, I expect.

What purpose is this fulfilling, exactly? I don’t have much to say these days. The Bakehouse job. Could be good. Lots to do. Combat training. Tax. Urgh. Tax. I’m already being fined for that, not being clever enough to fill out of paper return on time. Really don’t like that at all. Self help. Hungry. Another month. What I want? How do I feel? Scared. Why scared. Groggy. Something of a feeling of relief. I know I’m here for a month. It’ll be good to see how this goes. Good to have a set period of time to make a decision. Yes. Am I willing to work and accept and move on? I don’t know. I feel like I want to protect myself now. The best thing I can do for myself is to wrap myself in a comfort blanket of distance and detachment and let myself focus on me for a while and make decisions that are purely for me. That makes me feel bad. Selfish. This 4 weeks is also for me. I want to know whether my decision is right. I’m in the place where my decision is still the same, away from the bridge, far away, but I’ve stopped and perhaps by committing for 4 weeks I have turned around and am listening to the fact that I am being called back. I haven’t taken the step back yet, and it will be a long time before I’m anywhere close to the bridge, but this 4 weeks is a healthy decision period, I’m reassured that the position is clear and that maybe the damage can be repaired, maybe, but maybe it is too great. Let’s see.

Lots of do really. Short term. Fill that fucking tax return out. Finish that annual report. Work out. Read PT handbooks and get a head start. Not having money doesn’t mean an excuse for a lack of action. Find a job. Near here? Or in London? Limbo. Stuck. Consider financial management. What I want in future. Now. Budget management. I could live on so little money. Cheap feed. Need a job that pays at the same time every week or month! Valentine’s Day. What will that be like? The main thing here is that I want us to have a good 4 weeks, a fun 4 weeks, where even if it’s the last 4 weeks it is positive and we can enjoy being together and have friendship. I don’t ever want to lose that love, no matter what happens. Is that selfish? I don’t want us to end up hating each other because we didn’t accept the truth of the situation and I don’t want resentment and I don’t want to lose it and everything end up being negative and like we never ever want to have anything to do with each other again. That would be the most painful outcome of all.

Maybe we will take the dog for a walk today. I’m hungry. Want more porridge. Does that mean I’m over eating?  The news is on the radio. Does it make me unintelligent if I’m completely bored of hearing about mis-sold PPI or another statement from David Cameron about some form of outrageous benefit cut? I just get bored of it. This probably comes down to lacking somewhat in knowledge, simply not understanding what is being discussed in enough depth to take anything away from a summary of the situation but I get bored. Plain bored. Not enraged, frustrated. Excited. Just bored. I suppose this somehow makes me socially irresponsible. I hope not, but that’s probably what it means.

Writing in bed. The sheet is all crinkled up and it’s bugging me. I could stop and fix it. Straighten out the sheet. But I can’t be bothered and worry that it will break my flow of thinking. It already has. I’m just going to sit here becoming increasingly annoyed with it, annoyed with myself for not getting up and fixing it, and it will consume my thoughts for a while as I continue to consider what exactly might be the right course of action. Should I just straighten it out? Is there really any point? Why does it bother me so much? Even if I sort it out it’ll just get wrecked again really quickly and I’ll just get annoyed again. What’s the point? But it’s so annoying! So ANNOYING! I hate the sheet being creased. I literally don’t get how anyone can put up with a creased sheet. I’m trying to put up with it now, but I can’t.. Urgh.

Okay, breakfast and porridge. Yes. Definitely.

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