Fri February 1st 2013

8 a.m.

Top 10 feelgood films!

Top 10 albums!

These are the first things I wanted to write today. Had a much better sleep today, still disturbed but much better than it has been. Coffee today. Raining. All night. I like the sound of rain at night. I find it soothing so it was nice to have the rain rapping against the window as I lay awake trying to ignore the very sad dream I had where everyone I love seemed to hate me and something inside me seemed to die and I felt suffocated and like I didn’t want to believe what was happening. A big bear sitting on the bed with me being warm and kind and wanting to take care of me so much that I don’t seem able to accept it because it seems too risky to let myself go. Barack Obama. Poor guy. Why would anyone want to be president of the United States? Haha. Did I just write that?! Additional 1% of body fat. 21% from 19 last year. This doesn’t please me at all. Should have checked it this morning. Maybe I will immediately before porridge. Hope it’s a glitch. I need to stop comfort eating. Not feeling too bad today. More relaxed than usual and feeling less tense in the body. Yay! Do feel an overwhelming need to get things going on the job front though should get my CV done today. You look sad. You admit to being monged out. That’s fine with me. I’m not happy if you’re sad. Butterfly conservations. That’s what they’re discussing on the radio. Trying to make this legible so I don’t have to struggle when I type it up for the blog. Actually the best handwriting I’ve exhibited for ages! It’s 8 10. Who guards the guardian? Intelligence question from Radio 4 that’s blaring in the other room. Why expect amazing results in the first week? Don’t know that I am but I know I can do better and I am in control of that so it’s fine. Sleepy! Always sleepy! Nervous about tomorrow. Am I thought of badly? Muscles don’t ache too much today. Fan is on in the bathroom, makes a nice buzzing sound.. Are you okay? Does it bother you that I’m writing? No of course not, just a bit monged out, bit groggy, what’s your plan? My hand is hurting from writing but the grip is good. There isn’t that scratching sound on the page and there’s loads of ink and it feels soft on the page and the hand seems to be moving itself which is a feeling I like although does that fact that I know that I wrote that now mean that I’m too conscious of it and will completely over plan what I’m writing from now on? What exactly am I aiming for here? What is real freedom in this exercise? Neurotic that I’ve missed the point completely and now over thinking it and am not writing freely. Then again that doesn’t matter because if it’s in my head and it comes out that’s all that counts isn’t it? I don’t know. Sometimes I want to give up. Where did that come from? I don’t like the idea of giving up on anything. What’s the point or benefit in that?! Stupid! How to keep going with things until you absolutely know you have exhausted every possible option for getting it sorted and improved and only then can you consider that leaving that situation or venture of aspiration behind is an option. Annoying contract. Must be able to get out of it somehow. Somehow. Looking forward to my day. Wish it wasn’t raining.

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