Sat Jan 26th 2013: One

It’s 17.08 and I am on my own in the flat listening to Air. I like this album, something about a voyage dans le lune. I love French, everything sounds so romantic and interesting in French.

So what’s on my mind at this moment? Eddy has just left, after what was actually a very interesting weekend where conversation veered towards topics previously out of bounds for us. I ended up coming clean about the fact that I have taken Magic Mushrooms, which did feel odd for a couple of moments as I processed the fact that I was basically telling my big brother that there is a lot that he doesn’t know about my life and the experiences I’ve had up until now. It was a good feeling though, knowing that we had shared something completely new and I felt that it opened up a channel of communication that was previously a bit murky. Makes sense I suppose, with every nugget of truth that you share with someone, with each small move that you make towards falling over and showing those things about yourself that scare you so much, you clear the dirt out of the water that flows in the river of communication that you have with another person and you feel a little more able to see them clearly, and you are able to believe that perhaps they can see you a little more clearly too. Basically because you were brave enough to reveal something that you had not previously had the courage to show, you are able to be closer to someone because you are being more truthful about who you are. I am struck every day by how difficult it is to live a truthful life. We have been conditioned to hide who we are from Day One. It’s hard to peel away those layers and find what’s underneath.

I want to write about my views on consciousness expanding drugs, but instead, my mind is drawn to something far more superficial that I simply must deal with before continuing my journey through my very fuzzy brain. I got a text message today, from someone who I know, but who I would not put into the category of Very Close Friend, or even Close Friend. This person is a casual acquaintance, as far as I’m concerned. I have not seen this person since early October, have not had any particularly meaningful correspondence with them since then (this basically means that banal text messages have been exchanged, but these are very low on content and essentially I have felt that I am replying out of a sense of obligation rather than out of a sense of real desire to maintain contact), and am often annoyed by the completely self – absorbed and transparent nature of this person’s approach to friendship maintenance. Anyway, this person will send a message of one line, asking me how I am. That’s it. Now, this does not really infer, to me, that this person is interested in how I am doing. It infers that they want to know WHAT I am doing. The progress I might be making. The people I might be meeting. I just looked out of the window (it’s dark) and it’s a full moon. The moon looks completely luminous and is a perfect image to go with this Air album that I have playing which has a title which means something about the moon, I think. Anyway I am going through something of a personal shitstorm at the moment, and have been feeling quite worn out for a couple of months as I deal with some unavoidably difficult issues which have rather terrifying implications and so, my text message administration has not been at a peak. Basically, I have withdrawn, and unless you are in the realms of Close Friend, I am not going to reply to a message asking superficially How I Am, because basically there is nothing going on that I care to share with you. And there is nothing going on that would interest you because I am not making any progress that could benefit you in any way, shape or form. And you may believe, even, that you are asking out of concern, but you aren’t. You are asking because you are curious about what is going on. Not because you actually care. There is a difference.

Now. This does not sit well with me. What right does someone have to send you a message like that, when they have made no personal investment whatsoever into developing any form of friendship with you that carries any meaning? The ironic thing is, that if this person was close to me in any way, they would understand that a withdrawal from me would indicate some problems, and that a display of this withdrawal is simply a stress response. And if this person was anywhere near close to being a proper friend, they might even know that I am going through a tough time and that I am focussing on me and making some pretty fucking big decisions and am not up to anything of any interest to anyone other than me. I do not understand why people are selfish enough to believe that they have the right to make people feel guilty for not prioritising them when they cannot even be fucked to take an interest in someone as a PERSON. It’s really not that hard. I do not have respect for this persons’ approach to maintaining friendships, or even developing one, because I would say that we are in the very early stages of DEVELOPING a friendship. We were lumped together in the same place for a year and shared space, but did we actually develop a friendship? If we weren’t friends on Facebook, would this person know what month my birthday is in? Even how old I am? How many siblings I have? No. Absolutely not. And I don’t mind that in the slightest, people are busy and there simply isn’t time to get to know everyone in that way. But to believe that you are ENTITLED to send a text like that to someone who you barely even know?!! Without taking the time to EARN the right to react like that to a lack of response to a clearly very vapid text message?! It pisses me off.

But.. I feel better for writing about it and processing it. And this is really what this is about. Processing stuff that happens during the day and actually takes up valuable brain space that could be used for other wonderful things. I go around my day to day life trying to make sense of such silly events as these, all very self – absorbed, yes, but I want to work through my responses to these things and try to understand better. Understand myself, understand the people around me, understand my environment, and most of all, to stop worrying about everything all the time and learn to enjoy it all to the full. My feeling is that if I spend some proper time accepting things that are happening and my strange responses to them and write it all down without being judgemental of what I am writing, I’ll be able to clear out lots of crap and start to see more “clearly”. I like that idea. Clarity. And I believe it’s achievable, with enough effort and acceptance. It’ll just take a bit of discipline, lots of time, and most of all, brutal self – honesty. If you can’t look yourself in the eye, you’re already in a cul – de – sac and you’re not going to get anywhere. That’s how I feel, anyway, so here I am. Here. Typing. Thinking. And trying really hard not to consider how silly this all sounds.


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