Sat Jan 26th 2013: Two

18.16

Gospel music is so evocative. That’s my opening thought as I sit here to type. I have “A Portrait of Gospel” playing and it’s amazing how you can be transported to a place without any effort whatsoever sometimes. Gospel music does that to me. It’s powerful and so painfully honest. There is such passion and love in this music that it stirs in my stomach and makes me want to cry because I don’t really know how else to release the feeling that it creates inside me. I love honesty. I think we all love honesty. Honesty is the first thing we can offer to each other. That’s what my brain thinks at this moment, anyway.

I am in the flat on my own. My thoughts are very scattered and I feel the need to organise them into some kind of order but that in itself defies the point of this exercise so basically I am in a very confused space and feel quite paralysed and unable to make any kind of serious decision, or even a banal one, as the case may be. Do I want this to be an organised set of thoughts which to a reader are brilliantly cogent and wonderful to read (like that’s even possible?)? Or do I want to run the risk of boring someone to tears in the name of being honest and revealing my mind completely but that is so painfully scary and the risk of being rejected for showing myself so completely is beyond terrifying and I suspect what is causing my paralysis at this point so I am just going to keep typing and hope that something happens to help me get over it. My left hand feels like it is developing a cramp. It isn’t comfortable. I suppose I am slightly too short for this table and my wrists are having to prop themselves up slightly and the angle of the keyboard is causing a slight strain on my hand. My God this is boring. Is this really all that is going on in my brain at this point? I suppose it is, depressing. I am feeling fat. Superficial. It is recovery week. I have done 60 days of solid intense exercise, but now I am in recovery week which is entirely necessary to help my muscles repair, so I have not done much exercise at all other than walking and some stretching and because I am trying so hard to fill a massive gaping hole I feel inside me I am eating too much and completely insatiable in this regard because I am trying to find something or expel something that lives inside me and is slowly driving me mad and I don’t know how to deal with it or make sense of it. I know it is valuable to go through a process like this and not simply be comfortable, I know that in the end whatever comes of all this will be a positive step and that being so comfortable and dead inside that you don’t even know you’re bored is the worst place to be, but if you don’t feel bored but you feel completely hurt and betrayed and like all the effort and love and investment that you have put into something was a waste of energy and you are suddenly confronted with the reality that things were never what you thought they were, it’s difficult to know how to release the anger and sadness and guilt and confusion that is created by it all and you can’t even cry anymore because you just don’t have the energy.

Why am I in this place? Again? Somehow it seems not only ridiculous, but completely unfair too. Am I really so deluded that all the effort that I feel that I have made up until this point is basically a complete fabrication, a delusion that my brain has created in such intricate detail that I can actually recall truths that never even existed? I am supposing that this is the subconscious influence of Blade Runner talking here, as that sounds suspiciously like Replicant territory. I am scared. I am so scared. There is so much going on inside me that I simply do not know how to handle it and I am angry that this has all been caused by the person who I thought was going to HELP ME. What a joke. Again, how deluded does a person have to be to actually believe that someone is going to help them and change and grow and put in the effort and take the lead so that I can relax a bit THE TENTH TIME THEY PROMISE TO DO IT?! It’s tiring. It’s actually tiring to even think about it these days, so I can’t actually be bothered to invest the same effort I invested before to try and fix it. I basically just want to leave it all behind and move forward because I don’t know how I will handle being so completely disappointed again. And the more I think about it, the more angry I get when I recognise how deeply these issues have seeped into my own modes of being and it is only now, because I have fought through my own shit, that I can see how destructive these patterns are and have been and I am expected to rely on the WORD of someone who hasn’t fucking bothered over SEVEN YEARS to even sit down and make a measly little plan, out of simple respect for my point of view, of how he is intending to move himself forward so he can be a happier person and, yes, selfishly, start giving to me too. It’s driving me bonkers.

I am hungry. Feeling fat is bad, as I don’t feel justified in eating before dinner but I am really hungry. I am sitting at the computer and I can feel my stomach sort of curling in on itself, all soft and flabby, and I hate that feeling. My neck feels tense and I need to release it, I just don’t know how because I know that it is carrying psychological stress above and beyond anything purely physical. And my shoulders. God my shoulders feel so tight it hurts.. Especially my right shoulder. It feels like it is constantly pushing itself forward and wants to pull the rest of my body with it so that I walk with my right side leading. I wonder if that means anything. The right side thing, I mean. I don’t know. I’m so hungry I can’t think. I suppose I should get something to eat, but really don’t know what. Why do I keep thinking about checking my Facebook? I hate that. I don’t even like Facebook. I don’t really care what’s going on on Facebook. Why, when I am sitting here doing something that I feel is valuable – getting some of the noise that is in my mind out onto the page in the hope that I will feel clearer headed for it, am I even tempted to look at Facebook? What am I expecting to see? Basically anything I see will annoy me. I can’t imagine ANYTHING on Facebook that will be positive or good for me, it’s all quite toxic, and the good stuff can be shared with your friends in person, or even, at a push, over a text if you can’t see them. Is it really necessary to show all of the hundreds of friends that you have “friended” on Facebook EVERY SINGLE ONE of your social interactions, every photo ever taken of you, to tell EVERYONE where you went out for New Year’s Eve this year? Why is it so important to do that? I don’t get it, I really don’t. And yet I am sitting here, hit by a wave of temptation every few minutes to open up Google Chrome and check it. I don’t even like it! It completely confuses me. Then again, most things do.

God I am distracted by how hungry I am! What do I want for dinner? Part of me wants to stuff myself and continue the negative pattern of comfort eating to fill the gaping hole I have inside. The other part wants to be healthy and feel proud of what I’ve eaten today, knowing that I am back on the right track. As far as I don’t feel like I’ve eaten too much, that is. I do wonder whether my relationship with food is a healthy one. Basically I eat porridge, egg on toast, and then have a dinner and in between I might have a treat size chocolate bar. That’s not too much, is it? And I exercise. But then sometimes I might eat a bit more, and I feel terribly guilty about it, like the fat has literally just gone from the food onto my stomach and I feel bad for ages about it and convince myself that I am fat and must not eat so much tomorrow. Invariably, I don’t eat too much tomorrow, which is good, but am I really eating too much when I impose this on myself? I don’t know. I am definitely not gaunt looking; no one would look at me and suggest that I have any form of disorder, so I can only assume that I actually have a good idea of reasonable quantities of things (just hit by a wave of shall I check Facebook again, bizarre) and shouldn’t be so neurotic about it all. I suppose I’ll know eventually.

I am trying so hard to avoid the prevalent issue on my mind because I don’t really have the energy to go into it. I would appreciate it if a cosmic being appeared in my dreams and told me what to do and what’s best and gave me all kind of psychic insights on matters that would then provide the clarity that I am looking for on things. That would be great. Then again, life isn’t really worth it if you don’t have the challenges to face and you don’t grow and then get the payoff, justifiably feeling really smug and proud of yourself or, most likely in my case, devastated at your own lack of foresight and intelligence and a painful sense that you can never allow yourself to make that mistake again. And currently I am running the risk of making a mistake I have made many times already. Believing the word of someone who has broken trust again. And again. And again. Who believes that he has changed this time, in a new way that he has never experienced before, but who has believed that he will and can and has changed many times in the past and who is jolted into action only by the potential loss of his security blanket but who then, once comfortable simply reverts back to old behaviours and isn’t able to sustain the effort that is needed and will not accept being questioned on the matter. Maybe it is time to show, clearly, what happens when you hurt someone one too many times. There is no going back. Sometimes you take things a step too far, you push someone too far, and you have lost them. I am terrified because I feel like I have left and will not be able to come back. I have never felt this before. And I am hungry. Life is tough.

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