Sunday January 27th 2013

8.03a.m

This pen will hopefully make my handwriting more legible than usual. I have a deep seated belief that the pen you use changes your handwriting and the right pen with the right person makes the best handwriting and all bad handwriting can be attributed to the wrong pen. Makes me feel better about how awful my handwriting has become.

Vocabulary. I don’t think my vocabulary is too bad. It’s not particularly great either, but its not bad. Isn’t it amazing how we have the capability to absorb what we see, hear, read and keep it somehow? And store it for later use? I am excited by that, like we are BUILT to keep evolving.

I am writing this in bed today as it’s Sunday and there is no routine in place that insists that I get up at silly o’clock to make sure that I get this done. I thought it was Monday this morning. It was nice realising that it was Sunday. I dreamt that Billy had taken up smoking again and I caught him. He looked handsome in the dream as he does in real life, but when caught he burst into tears and I felt bad for exposing his lies. I suppose that in dreams the message is not always so cryptic.

A new notebook. A brand new notebook. What will this one end up charting, I wonder. A break up? A journey into repairing a relationship on it’s very last chance? Absolutely nothing of any cohesion whatsoever? There is something exciting about starting a new one but to be honest I’m initimidated because this morning, all of a sudden, I have absolutely no real stuff that I have an urge to say. Woke up and lay in bed for a while which was probably a mistake as the randomness of those thoughts has now been lost and I feel like I am in restrained conscious territory. Still, I suppose there is value in fighting through, maybe fighting is the wrong term here, in going along with this particular current, even if does feel a bit slow and heavy and see where I end up.

Today is going to be a busy day. New workout programme, yeah! Blog. Yeah! Sorting my mind out. Yeah! Intimidating but hopeful.

Do I feel trapped? I don’t know. I am confused. That’s all I really know at this point. I need to take time to make the right decision, definitely. Definitely. I am feeling like I can leave, and will if and when I feel that it is right, but I must be sure. Although there are massive issues here, it is a lot to give up, and I must be sure to make a choice that is well informed and not completely impulsive. I keep telling myself that should work through all the options carefully, that I should make long lists of pros and cons, make a plan for either outcome and let the possibilities of both enter my consciousness so I am sure that I am allowing myself to see the real possibilities available to me right now. The trouble is that I am scared of being hurt. I have always been scared of being hurt, but not like this. Now I feel like I stand to be hurt, and to made a fool of yet again. My pride has taken a beating. My heart actually aches because I am so sad that things are fixed, or close to being fixed, even though I have put my soul into this for so many years. I am angry because I don’t see why I should have to go through this again and I cannot believe that this is the last time. Change is tough and every spare “life” and “chance” has been used now, and I am being asked to create another one, just in case a miracle happens and because all of the other ones have been squandered. It’s frustrating. But then, I feel the warmth, the feet tapping to Chopin on the radio, the generosity and spirit in the eyes and feel all the love I have ever felt and it floods me completely. And I can’t let go, again. Love is wonderful. But it also ensnares you and does not let go of its hold on you no matter how much pain you feel, whether caused by someone or not, you cannot let go of love and I find that hard. I feel it all too much and I can’t take it. And I don’t know if I can take the loss. But I need to be brave, strong, and do what’s right for me. And that right thing might be to let go of this, and I can do that. I have the strength to do it if that’s what feels right. Now  I need to work out what I want. How I can heal. Whether I can heal within this or whether I need to be outside it. 2013. Fucking good year.

Breakfast time. And tea. Tea. Tea.

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