Sat 9th Feb 2013

8a.m.

Have been lying in bed for ages, couldn’t get myself up and out of the duvet. Too warm! The radio seems to cover pleasant topics in the dead of night, once it gets past 7am more stories about people getting shot and committing suicide and stuff seem to appear but that might well be paranoia in fact I’m sure it is. I remember fragments of my dreams again today, maybe proof that if you train yourself to do something you can get better at it although tomorrow I will now wake up with a completely empty head, sods law.

A hotel, mahogany. Black and white flooring. Very posh looking, sophisticated. One person always sits at the bar, at least, I think it’s a bar, as I walk in. I notice him, but don’t know him. It feels like a back entrance, no reception people or anything. Woolworths. A music machine, like a jukebox. Billy and his brother are upstairs. I want to play a song, start off choosing one song by The Beatles, can’t remember which, but I change my mind and decide to go for Rain instead. A couple of strangers come and question me on my choice. I make adjustments, dials for bass & treble, old school, insist on playing it anyway. I enjoy it. Someone comes downstairs, I don’t recognise him, and says that Billy and his brother want to go somewhere, I say I don’t want to, this person gets annoyed because he is always torn between what everyone wants. He has my keys. I demand them. After an argument he gives them to me. I’m in my home town, emerging from the main shopping centre. Just had a flash from another dream I had in a shopping centre, really remember it. Anyway I want to find a Starbucks. The streets are quite empty. Shopping centre. The hotel has a Starbucks, back to the hotel. The hotel is in the shopping centre. I go in, see the man again and also there are a couple more people and I feel like they are laughing at me. I go to the lift, what’s my room number? I don’t know. I see a party at the back and decide to go because I see someone who looks like Billy’s brother at one of the tables. On my way to his table, I see two of my closest friends from school, both wearing the same green dress. One comments on how slim the other is, I think she looks skeletal and the friend she thinks is slim looks chubby. Everyone is going on about how slim the girl who I think is chubby is, it’s confusing. I feel like I must be crazy, don’t see what everyone else is seeing! The sister of one of the girls’ passes me a note saying that we need to discuss my outfit. I’m not sure of how to react to it. What else. Dark. The room is very dimly lit. Tables are in rows. Like one of the family weddings we had to go to as kids. Horrendous. I don’t know if I’m invited, I suppose I am, but happened upon the event. A different dream. An advert comes on TV. My Dad sees it and is INFURIATED. Can’t remember what it was. I am indifferent to it. The day is bright and sunny. How will I get home? It’s a long walk. If I start walking I’ll find the way. Hot. Irritable. Annoyed. It’s too hot.

Can I remember anything else? My stomach feels like it’s eating itself this morning! Fun seeing the guys yesterday, enjoyed dinner. Feel silly for giving the waitress who’s leaving a hug goodbye but she has served us loads of times and we do have some kind of relationship with her, in the end at least I made the effort and there’s nothing wrong with that, right? Haha I’m so pathetic, nothing better to worry about than this kind of stuff. Then again I might be avoiding things and distracting myself a bit. What’s the point in worrying about this stuff anyway?! I’m tired. Tired today. It’s Saturday! Don’t have to get up just yet… Want to, kind of, but also tired and could do with letting myself relax a bit. Not in control of my thoughts, destructive. Then again do I want to be in control of them so I’m not really accepting what’s actually going on? That’s the point of this isn’t it? All confusing. Addiction. Fascinating and terrible all at once but it popped into my head I think because it’s a powerful word. My tea addiction is definitely powerful. Hmm.

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