Mon 11th Feb 2013

6.47 am

Freezing! Outside looks like a winter wonderland which is pretty but the boiler has that awful F_1 failure message which explains why it’s EXTREMELY cold this morning! Have stomach ache today, cramp can be probably be explained by the cold, to be fair. Thoughts of what today? I don’t know. I hope we get to our 3 day break okay, it would be so upsetting if we couldn’t make it because of the weather. Ow! My stomach really hurts. Bloody cold. Fear of failure. Something that is completely useless, that book I’m reading is really interesting and inspiring because it covers all the stuff about the lifestyle choice you’ve made and reminds you of why you do it and almost makes you feel like you have a friend who truly understands. Also inspired me to just keep DOING stuff, no matter what scale it’s on. You have to keep DOING stuff or you’ll feel empty. There’s a lot to be said for having that internal drive that you can’t really explain or rationalise that makes you NEED to do something, to express something. They say you aren’t necessarily born with talent, and that I believe, I believe firmly in HARD WORK, but I am starting to believe that you can be born with some drive that may simply be a mix of chemicals that interact a certain way and make you perceive that you want to express what’s inside, but even if it’s just chemical, it’s real, and I think, like any other form of mental illness, you are predisposed to the artists’ way and everything that comes with it, good and bad. I guess that helps me to understand why some are able to go through life and have completely different drives and stuff that they need to express – we’re all built a bit differently and that variety is what makes the world go ‘round. It’s cool that we’re all different. It’s what makes life worth living, ultimately. Currently plagued by the idea that there’s not enough time. I hope that’s not some psychic premonition of death..! The Devil. I feel like I’m not making full enough use of my time, so this morning I’ve woken up slightly earlier to extend my day so I can do more. Worried about trying to do too much and not doing any of it particularly well, need to get focused and organised and then go for all this stuff in realistic chunks. Listened to some music last night which was awesome, Django Unchained OST which has some great tunes on it. Tarantino is brilliant at using music (obvious ha) – I could have believed that every tune on the OST was written specifically for the film. You can discover such gems on soundtracks. Thank you Martin Scorcese for using Atlantis by Donovan! Cannot understand why it wasn’ t on the CD, for me it’s one of the most powerful moments of the movie and it wouldn’t be without that particular song playing over the brutality of what’s happening on screen. In any case, wouldn’t have gone hunting for it if it wasn’t on Goodfellas so I’m grateful it was on there! Music is massive for me in a movie, I’ll often take the music away and almost forget the movie, like my memory is governed by the soundtrack first and the visuals complement that but that said, film is a feast for the senses so it’s just a case of what the mind prioritises I guess. Overwhelming and I love it! Woke up with Too Old To Die Young in my head, wonder why. I feel like I’m wasting time. I feel it, but actually my days are quite full. I suppose this is a sign that I’m not filling time with the right things? Nah. Just possible neurotic over thinking, can’t rationally accuse myself of being lazy these days. Definitely not. Feeling a bit guilty for not being in touch with people a bit more. Best friends’ first day at new job today, must message her. I can smell cinnamon. Hmm.. Nice smell. That book is really good, want to go and finish it. Just a bit upset with myself this morning as I can’t remember any of my dreams but I guess that’s a good thing as it means I had at least one cycle of sleep or something. Definitely indicates a proper sleep of some duration. I woke up in the middle of the night but I woke up to the 6am news so it can’t have been too bad in terms of sleep stuff. What an improvement on the norm! Yeah. Why make things difficult? I hate having to write chaser emails, never know how to start them because I’m already annoyed that I have to chase for something that I should have had a response to already but there’s no sense whatsoever in being aggressive if you actually want something useful to come out it. Right, lots to do today. Busy day ahead, which is good. Have a nice clarity of mind this morning, better than I have felt for a few days, things just need to continue in this vein, I think that book really helped! Looking forward to reading more today, inspiring. Right. Tea. It’s getting light outside, the snow and low clouds look beautiful, an icy blue that’s very pleasing. Pretty!

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