Tues 12th Feb 2013

6 51 a.m.

Day one of a holiday. Yay! Why up at 6 51? Lots to do before getting the train! Workout, for one. 60 mins. Then I have to pack. Didn’t see the point in packing before knowing what the weather was going to be like today. Safe to say I don’t think summer dresses are really a requirement here. IMDB. Not sure why but its in my head. Was also freezing, boiler seems to break every morning but fortunately Billy knows the trick to fixing it. I should probably learn it. It’s my brothers birthday soon, can’t get hold of what he wants! Dammit. Oh well you can only do your best for such things I suppose. Guilty. Haven’t been in touch with friends and family much recently. Should have been but somehow lots going on in my head and difficult to share any honest communication when you have no energy to share, really. That sounds a bit self – pitying, not to mention self-important. Should just pick up the phone and say hi, no big deal. Can’t remember dreams again this morning. Maybe they will drift back into my head later on. Thirsty. Took me ages to get out of bed today, was so damn cold! Don’t think my dreams were in my head when I woke up but I can’t remember them now, shouldn’t have snoozed for 20 minutes! Primary and recency effect. Memory. Improve memory. Improve eyesight. Improve fitness. Improve attitude. Lots to improve and could go on for pages but lack of focus is the death of getting anything done. So much I want to do and learn and read. Overwhelming. Feeling like I don’t have enough time to do it all, that I’ll be on my deathbed looking back and there will be so much I wish I’d done differently or just done. Terrifying thought. I think I’m a nice person. Flawed. Full of misjudgments with a sorry tendency to make mistakes, but a nice person nonetheless. Not sure where that came from. Why did I think that? What am I feeling guilty about? Twinge in my knee, hope it doesn’t become anything serious. Did a full workout in the end yesterday, was thinking of not doing it and resting the knee but went for modifications when needed and actually it was fine and I ended up not needing to modify. Just goes to show. Transition. Gradual transition. Train at 12 30. Leave here at 10.30. Wow, that’s leaving plenty of time but it has been snowing I suppose. Embarrassed. I always think I’ve done silly stuff. Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows. Tired. Sleepy. Hitting a bit of a wall. Is it because there are things I’m afraid to write? My brain can’t just be completely empty, can it? Development. Lack of stuff but liberating. As long as you have a roof over your head, food in the fridge who can complain? People STARVING for effs sake. Laundry. Should have done laundry last night. Twinge. Basically I’m realising that when my brain isn’t occupied by an activity, my inner critic comes out to play and all I can think of to do is self -criticise. Now I want to criticise that very fact but I am fighting not to. I guess there is stuff that needs criticising. Awkward interaction on Whatsapp. What’s the point? Feels so pointless, completely empty of any meaning whatsoever. Oh well. I’m an actor. How weird is that?! The trouble with it is that you struggle to think of yourself that way when you’re not doing much acting, so you have to keep the flame burning on your own and that’s the really tough bit, I think. It’s good though, it’s a test for that fire in your belly. Which I’m totally unshaken  in my belief that I have. Good thing. Struggling a bit this morning, wonder why. Strain in my neck too. Must have been lying at a funny angle. I suppose I should get on and do my workout  and stuff. Should. Hate that word! It makes everything feel so stressful. If you want to do it, do it and do it because you know it’s good for you. What’s the point in doing stuff because you feel pressured to? That immediately takes the value out of doing stuff – the enjoyment factor and sense that it’s an AWESOME way to spend time. What’s the point if it doesn’t feel like a positive thing? Starving but breakfast is going to have to wait. Darn it!

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