Sat Feb 16th 2013

Time not logged

Feel nicely relaxed this morning, had a disturbed sleep but the periods of kip that I did get were really nice and I feel good. The last dream I had I was in some kind of café, white walls and the roof was glass, like the Met in NYC, from what I remember, and I could see green from the leaves of the trees and I was talking to the person I was with about my English Literature teacher who I think was sitting to the right of me. I had Sweet Thing (the Van Morrison one, not the Bowie one ha) in my head as I looked up at the green and it felt great. Waking up with that song in my head felt kind of sad though, simply because I love it so much and somehow it takes me to an indescribable.. feeling? I don’t know what it is really and I think that’s part of what I love so much about it. Must write a blog on that! It did feel kind of sad though. I suppose I thought of my Eng. Lit teacher because at the theatre I realised that it wasn’t beyond the realms of possibility that he could have been there watching a play, as could anyone else from my childhood or adolescence, for that matter. Perhaps the café was a theatre café, actually, as I now remember I was looking at a programme of “new” plays and was surprised to see “The Winters’ Tale” listed among them. Strange, I thought, though apparently only to me. In any case, I was having a really nice time in that dream, I must have been pretty bad company for the person I was with, spacing out to Sweet Thing in my own head but there you go, I suppose you can be selfish in dreams. In another dream, I likened myself and Billy to two statues of dogs lying at rest, elegant dogs, actually, but one looked happy and playful, the other looked morose and sad but they were entwined and locked in an affectionate embrace. I commented that previously, I would have been the happy one, but somehow we had switched roles which is testament to his current strength and to my own current vulnerability, I suppose. I think there may even have been three dogs, but the third was distanced from the other two. They were in a darkened room, which looked like the entry hall or reception area of an old style hotel, all mahogany, dark green carpets and a big fire. Perhaps like an old school hunting lodge you might have found in the countryside. Perhaps the same dream, perhaps not,  family get together. Strangely, Mum and Dad are both in the same room, getting on okay. Not sure if they are a couple per se, but they are laughing and seem comfortable with each other. Another dream. Driving in a car. Talking to my sister about personal training. Home town. Then Mum is driving in the little car she used to drive around, she is driving out of the supermarket, I comment on how confidently she is driving, she laughs and says of course she is! She seems completely confident and competent. She drives quite fast, making me nervous, but I am a sissy. I remember a bus for some reason, a Chinese guy who was clearly a friend of the family but I can’t remember much more than that about that detail. Anyway something, maybe in another dream, about something I did that seemed totally wrong at the time but turned out to be the only right thing to do – Dad is talking to me about this. Anyway back to Mum and the car, driving up the hill on a specific road with triangular houses, a narrow road, a small sports car, reverses out of a drive out of nowhere and Mum slams on the brakes. Another car goes speeding past, zips past her, and crashes straight into the sports car with a deafening thud. We are frozen as smoke starts coming from the collision site and we are unsure of what to do until we hear a scream from the car and Mum runs out of the car and starts screaming hysterically – one guy is trying to strangle the other, one of them wears glasses. Radio now on in the other room. Loud. We try to separate them, eventually screaming that the car is about to explode. [Illegible writing here, can’t make it out!] Need to exercise, have basically been eating too much and need to sort it out. That said, haven’t been lazy on the exercise front, maybe I’m even developing muscle! That’d be great. What else. Weird being back. Had a really good mini break, very relaxing and inspiring going to the theatre and seeing 2 productions that were so different and taking it so easy and.. escaping. Was great. Oh no, I feel fat. I want to comfort eat! Why is this suddenly happening, I’ve been very healthy for over a year now, there’s no need for it. I suppose life is boring without a challenge. Oh well, just have to keep working on things, including self -image, and keep reprogramming the bad habits I’ve developed including those of self-perception and self – blame and criticism. Doesn’t help anyone. Superficial issue anyway, weight. I’m fine. Much better to look at things in a positive way, no matter the outcome, why make it all feel so difficult? There’s a place, where I can go, when I feel low, when I feel blue / And it’s my mind, and there’s no time, where I’m alone….Please Please Me is still my head after seeing that programme last night, clearly! Right, time to get on with the day ahead, lots to do and hungry!! Bring on the porridge!

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