Sun Feb 17th 2013

6.32 a.m.

I have been lying awake in bed for ages, have heard a load of interesting stuff on Radio 4. Fortunately the feel good factor from watching The Karate Kid III still seemed to be circulating around my system when I woke up at what must have been about 2 30am as I lay there for a while before hearing the 3am news although time perception at night is a bizarre thing. Insomnia is interesting. Personally I don’t get too frustrated; it’s been a regular pattern for me – occasionally I just go through this phase, where I can’t sleep past 3am, for any number of reasons. My eyes are really puffy this morning, probably because of my, ahem, moment, yesterday morning! Hope they sort themselves out soon. What did I dream about today? I must have dropped off intermittently, actually, because I’m sure I dreamed something. I have glimmers of memory but nothing has really formed yet. Come on. I’m sure eventually small snippets will come back to me. Strange paralysis. I wonder. Not sure what I’m wondering but there you go. Tired this morning but not bad considering the little sleep I’ve had. Also fought the urge to snack on chocolate before bed last night, opting instead for my favourite combo of fruit and yoghurt. Probably still bad in some way but it’s too much energy to think about really. Blueberries and yoghurt. What a combo! Haven’t really used the big TV over the last week or so and just looked at it – it’s HUGE! Might have to curl up with a movie later today, feels like it’s been a while though if I really thought about it I’d probably find it hasn’t been too long at all. Funny, I couldn’t sleep and just thought of how un – tired I am, but now I feel really groggy and want to go back to bed. Ha! How unreasonable I am. The boiler is humming, but it’s not on. It’s more than warm enough in the flat this morning, wonder whether the cold snap is over? It looks lovely outside, the sun is rising and the sky is completely clear. Lovely day for a walk. It smells nice in here, like laundry. Guess that’s the fabric softener. Love the smell of freshly laundered clothes, one of the small pleasures in life. Enjoyed massage on Friday, should do that more often. By “do” I mean of course lie on my front while someone else does all the hard work and alleviates all the strange knots of tension I’ve managed to form and maintain in my muscles. Actually I’m finding that I only need half a pillow these days, like I fold it over so it rests on the headboard and there’s just a thin plank of pillow for my head. Otherwise my neck doesn’t feel comfortable. I hope that doesn’t mean I’ve developed some kind of strange neck stoop. That would be awful.

Today I am going to find a monologue to work on. I’m craving it, so best to do it! Also must research classes, doesn’t matter where really, just need to get going and work on getting reconnected. Feeling very detached but somehow it feels hard these days to step out and engage. I think this kind of feeling is known as depression – a minor form, but I know it when it happens to me, and it does hit me every so often and I just need to gently coerce myself out of it. Not massively out of practice, do lots of stuff like sense memory, physical work, but I need to keep increasing and not plateau. And keep learning. I love learning. It’s one of my absolute favourite things in the world – it maintains my sense that I am moving forward, and the best thing is that it is engaging and  all it requires is effort. All it takes to learn is effort, and a good attitude. Best things in life are free.

This is going to be quite short today as my neck feels so tense I’m going to go and stretch – shoulders are really tight too. It’s funny, since starting to learn about the skeleton in detail, I see everything in terms of bones. So now, I keep seeing Funnybones, that Janet & Allen Ahlberg book. Classic! Anyway, stretch. Then shower. Then tea and porridge. Then. Everything else. No dream. Dammit!

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