Mon Feb 18th 2013

6.50 a.m.

I have two songs alternating in my head this morning. One – Express Yourself (not the Madonna one, the other one). I’m sure I watched something yesterday that had that in it, or maybe it was the day before? Not sure. Then I have Backstreets by Bruce Springsteen in my head – good song although I only really know the chorus so where’d that come from? Had some interesting dreams that I can kind of remember. One – theme park. A ride that we go onto because it didn’t look too stressful – like Waltzers but a mild version – I had tea in a paper cup. I think my Mum was there, as were a couple of other middle aged women but I don’t know who they were. Ride starts, leisurely at first, then more intense and quite enjoyable, and then gets more and more crazy and then the car moves from the waltzer arena onto a different track which is more like a rollercoaster – I see a sign that says “Gallows Pole” (eek) in big letters, obviously the name of the ride which is seriously high! Then we are in a queue and we realise that part of the ride involves water, like a log flume, I’m at the front shivering both out of anticipation and out of fear because we have no idea what’s coming next. Then we get to the top and are advised to step out of the car – there is a man in a turban instructing us all to take our shoes off and find something to cover our heads with before going into his temple. He tries to talk to me about how he tries to stop certain people he doesn’t like from going in. That makes me uncomfortable. We go in before I have something decent to cover my head with. I see my sister, she is just wearing a headband to cover her head. My brother is there too, a pair of pants covering his head – we all burst into hysterical laughter. What else. I receive a letter from my Mum which is full of compliments asking if she can still come and live with us for a month as planned and how wonderful myself and Billy are. It’s really sweet, I try to show Billy but he says he’s already spoken and agreed with her on the phone about it and it’s all good with him. A really ornate home, like a hotel, where a group of us seem to be staying. A friend of mine from school is there – we are laughing and joking around. I’m wearing a top that and look really skinny in photos but I complain that I am fat. There are lots of photos which is funny because I didn’t notice anyone taking photos. The floors are spotless, marble. Everything is in Earth tones. Lots of mahogany and the lighting is quite low. Looks like a modern palace, don’t think it’s our place though. Not sure. Another dream. I’m going to be late for the short – desperately fumbling to find the right clothes. Just had a flash of a street and blue sky outside but not sure what that is or is from. Mum is talking to me, I notice the time, I have 15 minutes for a 90 minute journey, dammit. I ask Mum and Stepdad whether they have any money for a taxi. My Stepdad says he only has Scottish money but that’ll be fine. I say okay, then Mum comes in and asks me why I’m going to use Scottish money it’ll never work. Getting more and more frustrated. Can’t find my right boot. Dammit! Not sure if I made it to the short…! Anyway can I remember anything else? Anything. I remember sitting in a chair in the back corner of the room, in the ornate palace residence, almost looked like a film set. I’m happy, and centre of attention despite my physical position. Perhaps the dream was actually about some kind of celebration or event that was taking place in my home and I can’t remember. In an case, a few interesting details although part of me is scared to ever do any research into what any of these dreams could potentially mean. Things feel tough at the moment in some ways, but in other ways, things are coming together. Nothing is actually any different though, is it? It’s my state of mind. Definitely. Sometimes I feel like I’m wading through glue though, nothing feels easy, and I got used to things feeling easy maybe because perhaps this is the first really battle I’ve had for a while in terms of the discipline of wanting to DO things. I also find that I have more physical ailments – stomach ache, and my chest feels tight, and there is definitely more indigestion going on than usual. Perhaps the lack of sleep is finally getting to me – which would be pretty impressive, I guess it’s been a while. So kind making a cup of tea, fresh faced after a shower. Great! Stuck. Don’t want to see anyone really, struggling a bit. Wonder why that is, I know that seeing people will be helpful, ultimately. I don’t know. Who knows. Only time will tell, you can’t predict the future.

Tea. Porridge. Then stretch. Then day. Might feel difficult but doesn’t stop the fact that things need to be done!

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