Sat Feb 23rd 2013

7.30 a.m.

Was going to try and write without putting the light on, but it’s still too dark for that kind of thing. Absolutely plagued by paranoia about the outcome of yesterdays’ shoot. Everything appearance wise seemed wrong – bad hair, bags under my eyes, not on top form, not even as friendly as usual! Oh well, I suppose in film it’s all about the editing anyway. Ha! Always good to abdicate responsibility. As usual I am going over and over what I did, said, how I behaved, whether I was too friendly, not friendly enough, came across as a weirdo, terrible actor, whatever, criticising EVERYTHING knowing full well that it’s useless to do this because what’s done is done and I really can’t do anything about it and should move on. Have a headache this morning, perhaps caffeine withdrawal as my last cup of tea was at 2pm yesterday. Doing well on that score, love drinking tea, just I have to be more controlled as I am having way too much sugar so the best way to deal with the sugar is to reduce the tea. Makes each cup I have a real treat though, so actually it’s better this way. Morning tea is already awesome, but this is going to make it even better. I am so completely at the mercy of sugar it upsets me to think about it because I know how utterly pointless it is nutritionally and how it will end up in places I don’t want it to end up but I still crave it anyway which is crap, really. Nothing much in my head this morning, I don’t think. Can’t remember any dreams today, not right now, anyway, which is a shame but perhaps they’ll come back to me later. I’ve reverted to looking around the room as I don’t really have anything going on in this brain of mine. Okay, I do, but it’s superficially stressing about my showreel as usual and I’m ashamed to commit the related issues I’m thinking about to paper because I don’t want to admit how shallow I actually am. I’m sure I looked awful yesterday, just awful, really should have taken the time to do a mirror check before shooting. Why don’t I do these things?! I almost don’t want to see it. In one way it feels like the end of a chapter, it’s been quite a long drawn out project but now it’s all done and it’s just a case of wait and see. Fingers crossed. Little flakes of snow through the window. It’s almost March already. Sheesh. Keep me away from offices! The thought of being in an office fills me with an unspeakable dread. Wonder why. It’s not that awful, perhaps it’s more to do with not giving up the fight and go backwards. In many ways, it’s a lifestyle I crave – one that isn’t bogged down in routine or boredom, but has elements at least of the creative and human expression that I want to be able to live as a matter of course, rather than as a hobby that I do outside to escape the boredom of my “life”. Wonder if that makes sense. The down side, of course, is that occasionally there isn’t anything much going on and the fever grips you and you question the very point of “you” on this good Earth, often drawing the conclusion that you are, in fact, useless. That feels pretty awful when you’re caught in the grip of it and who knows what’s true but in any case, the trick is to develop the resilience and skills of survival that you need for that kind of lifestyle. What am I babbling about? I’m enjoying eating healthily so far. My body actually feels good for it. Brown rice is nice! And I am so excited at the discovery of Greek yoghurt and fruit. The ultimate snack. Why is nutrition so confusing? Am I relieved? Almost. Sad too though. Time is a funny thing – the lyrics to “Time” by David Bowie just came into my head. It’s scary to think we’re almost into the third month of the year, how did that happen?! Conflicted. I’m like two different people with a conflicting set of priorities, I think. I suppose self – actualisation is really just being able to reconcile these elements of yourself and make some kind of sense of them and live with them in harmony. Easier said than done! Maaan I’m tired. This not getting a full nights’ sleep is starting to catch up with me now, I think. Or maybe it’s just working out? Who knows. In any case, I’m really tired this morning. Need to study today, top of the agenda, most definitely. Actually, second, after porridge and yes, one of my cups of tea for the day. Exciting! My brains feels all sleepy and it’s Saturday, so am going to allow myself the luxury of a bit of a lie – in. Oh yeah!

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