Mon Feb 25th 2013

6.49 a.m.

Set the alarm early with the intention of getting up and getting a workout in first thing – alas, it’s too cold for such madness (!) so I’m going for the physical acting warm up to gently wake my body up this morning. In many ways, I think that’s better – why go so mental first thing if you have the privilege of  time to play with during the day and can work out a bit later? Seems silly in a way. Grapes. So good. Really enjoying fruit these days. Debussy was on the radio last night, one of those radio programmes about specific composers and I haven’t really listened to Debussy for ages so when I heard La Mer and Clair De Lune I almost cried at their brilliance. What a drama queen! Haha. It’s still dark – ish outside so I’m out of bed writing today rather than in bed which is different but feels good. Had a good productive day yesterday which feels good. Didn’t get a great deal of sleep but we were both up until about 1am which made it all feel a bit less stressful. I know I woke up with a dream in my head but it’s gone which is upsetting. Was nice to have a whatsapp chat with my best friend, she sounds great and positive about stuff which makes me happy. She’s awesome. She was really excited about my PT stuff too, which was great. I’m a bit paranoid sometimes, like I have this friend who is really great, but she can be quite detached sometimes and I find myself feeling like she doesn’t actually want to spend time with me because, well, who would? Oh my God, how awful a thought process is that? Self destructive. Radio 3 is on, it’s a challenging radio station sometimes, makes you sit up and process new approaches to old forms which can actually be quite tough sometimes although it’s good to be challenged on your preconceptions of how stuff “should” be done. I feel quite good today. Going to sit down and do a budget and work out the minimum spend we can survive on this month while I do the PT stuff. Lucky me, having the time and luxury to study and practice and find some kind of balance. Sometimes it feels like I have so much noise in my head I need to stop, I’ve been feeling like that for a while and I’m so appreciative of this time although I do perhaps feel a bit guilty, like I’m not much use to anyone at the moment. I suppose learning to take it easy on myself is a skill I should learn during this time – it’s simply not helpful for anyone. He was not for an age, but for all time. That’s what it says on the spine of this beautiful illustrated edition of The Complete Works of Shakespeare we have on the dining room table. Going to sort stuff out! The boiler is working, always a relief on a cold morning. Very impressed with these thermal socks, they have a tog rating! Just heard on the radio that Daniel-Day Lewis won the Oscar for Lincoln. To be fair, don’t see that there was any competition, what an inspired performance. After Friday I appreciate even more the willingness to completely immerse and not really give two hoots about how your methods are perceived, all that matters is how it looks on camera, that’s the job of the actor. Loved his performance. Didn’t really pay attention to any of the other stuff. Zero Dark Thirty was really great, saw that recently. The sequence where they actually go to the compound was so realistic that it felt like a documentary. To me, anyway. Django. Up for anything? I would like to learn more about film – making, editing. Need to be focused though! Priority one is PT, start building this second career while the acting side is quiet and so everything is in place for when that picks up. Yeah. It’s exciting, a career outside an office, flexible, active, meeting people, helping people achieve their goals, in future it’ll be well paid too – just about perfect for me ha. Another hobby that I can integrate into the status quo of life rather than an outside activity that helps me to escape my existence. Onto reading Much Ado About Nothing. Fun! Would love to play Beatrice one day. One day. Shoulders are tight this morning, keep worrying that I’m going to develop some kind of stoop. Somehow I want to develop a new neurosis to get worried about, why is that? Is it just because I have nothing else to think about? Going through a very self- critical phase about my appearance. It’s so shallow, isn’t it? To worry about it so much all the time. There are far  more important things to worry about, really there are, and in the end, what’s the big deal anyway? Why is it so important to “look good”? What does that even mean? It does, by “it” I mean me, drive me a bit crazy sometimes. Revolution In The Head. Good book. Quite like to read that intro again. Seeing people. I love seeing people. Crave it. Don’t actually want to do it right now though, isn’t that weird? “I need a crowd of people, but I can’t face them day to day.” The first time I heard that I was nodding because that’s exactly how I feel. Completely impossible to please. On one hand, need interaction, get down if I don’t have it – on the other, in a flash, I need introspection and want to be left alone in my quiet place to process stuff and withdraw. Oh, I don’t know. Anyway, my dreams are not coming back to me this morning. Oh well. Time to go stretch and then.. TEA! So exciting, even more so now that I’ve cut down. Every cup feels like the Xmas present I’ve been waiting for all year.

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3 responses to “Mon Feb 25th 2013

  1. “Going through a very self- critical phase about my appearance. It’s so shallow, isn’t it? To worry about it so much all the time. There are far more important things to worry about, really there are, and in the end, what’s the big deal anyway? Why is it so important to “look good”? What does that even mean?”

    Anna Freud has some helpful stuff I think on this point:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defence_mechanisms

    According to her model (which is founded on Siggy’s)

    The super ego (Internalized societal and parental standards of “good” and “bad”, “right” and “wrong” behaviour), contains the social standards of what constitutes good looking.

    The Id is scared shitless of being rejected and of social isolation by not “looking the part”

    The ego’s psychic “self-defence mechanism” to preserve it’s sense of self worth, is to conform to the accepted standards of appearance. (or some approximation of standards acceptable to society that are also compatible and sympathetic to one’s innate desire to be a self expressive individual)

    Freud would say you are self-conscious because you wish to preserve your sense of self-worth and self-esteem, and your super ego is suggesting to you that you don’t measure up to societies demands: this means your self worth is at risk…

    Sounds like a reasonable theory to me 🙂

  2. Hi! Thank you for passing on this link and sharing this idea – from your summary it’s definitely sounding like a reasonable theory! Freud had some amazing ideas – some crazy – but amazing! I’ll definitely check out the link 🙂 Thanks again for your thoughtful response and for sharing!

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