Tues Feb 26th 2013

6.52 a.m.

Obsessing about the post I saw on Spotlight. This is a typical cycle, you hear nothing and see nothing of any interest for ages. Then suddenly something that you think you’d be absolutely perfect for comes along and you start to be a bit obsessive and desperate about it! It’s good to be interested, but obsession on any level, is bad. Definitely. I have little pieces of dreams in my mind. A home, across the road, there’s a view of a block of flats, a new build, like the ones on the way to the train station. Light brickwork, dark brown window panes and doors. Apparently if you go there they give you work experience – you then have experience and can go and get a job which is of course wonderful. A boat. The cast of Will & Grace with one additional character – I was also part of it, somehow. Quite distant and vague memory. I have a really dry throat this morning and have had from yesterday afternoon – first sign of a cold for me is usually a very dry throat, argh! How to sell – market. That’s the worst bit for me. I like doing stuff but not really the promoting bit – I could do with a manager who just goes around talking the talk shamelessly while I walk the walk, ha. All I want is something trip – proof. 7pm. News. Distracting. Hang on its 7am. Apparently there’s no clear winner of the Italian election, uh oh. Man Health and Safety stuff is boring but I have to get through it a module at a time. The thoughts in my head seem to be jumping around today. Urgh my mouth is so dry. Absolutely horrible. Oh well. Shoulder tight as usual. A bit frustrated. Not sure why. Once I start writing anything that is ungrateful I am hit by a wave of guilt for being so ungrateful. Guilt is a very prevalent emotion for me, I’m realising. I feel guilty about EVERYTHING. Even knowing fully that I haven’t done anything wrong and it’s plain weird to feel guilty as I do, I still feel it anyway. Why is that? I’m starting to sense that there are a lot of things that I haven’t dealt with that I have been through in my life and it is only now that the true awareness that I need to work it all out is really coming into play. I thought I understood myself, and to an extent I do, but I’m fearful of what I might discover and to keep locked away. Somehow over the last year or so, I’ve not only found the key, but I’ve put the key in the lock and turned it, and the door that I have now walked through has slammed shut behind me and it’s me and all my crap and the only way I’m finding the door back to the brightness is by making peace with what’s in that room. The trouble is, I am terrified by what I am finding and sometimes what I discover is so scary that I can’t even conceive of its truth. Sometimes I’m plagued by the notion that I am some kind of sick fantasist. I know that this is yet another desperate attempt to run away from the things I know to be true. Actually, this morning, I am angry. I’m angry. Rare, but today, I feel it. I think about my childhood and my adolescence and somehow I am coming to the sad conclusion that everyone who I was close to at that time did SOMETHING that has brought me to this place that I am at today. The anger is passing. I can’t go through life laying blame and taking no responsibility, that’s simply what happened, all of it, and a lot of it was simply borne out of ignorance, frustration, sadness, guilt, everyone was having a pretty shitty time, but just for a few seconds I allow myself to be angry because when you’re a kid, you really don’t know what’s going on, do you? You just try and trust those around you and you think you know who you can trust and listen to what they say and take guidance from them. This pattern then extends to those who factor in your adult life. How to cope when you feel like everyone has let you down, in a way? Is it just a case of expecting too much? Self pity? A lack of ability to unconditionally love? Complete self – delusion? Why is this in my head first thing in the morning? Oh God, am I just going bonkers and the lack of a full nights’ sleep is finally catching up with me? Am I starting to make things up? I don’t know. Today. Today. I am going to do all the things that I need to do. No matter what happens I’m going to do my absolute best and take my destiny into my own hands from now on and just be brave enough to try. Just have to be brave enough to keep trying, can’t expect any more than my absolute best and that is good enough. I feel a bit icky now that I’ve been angry at 7am. Might just jump into the shower. Someone should invent a device where you put the noise of your brain onto a device and then a computer analyses you patterns and what you think about and stuff. Statistical analysis of the activity in your brain. That’s be fascinating! Right now, my mind is 100% of breakfast. Hungry!

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