Mon March 4th 2013

7am

Okay, I am ill. Dammit. Feel like crap this morning and have been doing my best to stave it off for a few days, but I might have to admit defeat and simply rest it off today, especially considering I have an audition tomorrow. Oh well. Actually, maybe it’s not so awful, it’ll go. That’d be good.

Yesterday was a good day. Busy, but good. Went into London and did the ad, though I’m obviously now beating myself up about it and the fact that I don’t think I did a very good job. On the other hand, I got paid so it’s a milestone in 2 ways – first ad, first paid acting gig! Yeah! Hopefully I’ll make the cut, but we’ll see. I have some bad habits that I need to work on. Maybe just get used to someone saying “action” and not semi – freaking out. Just need to keep working on my confidence, I reckon. Anyway, rushed home after the shoot to help cook which was fun although poor Billy seemed to get hot and bothered in the kitchen in a mild way. To be fair, pretty understandable when making lots of Indian food in a hot kitchen when you’d probably rather be curled up with a book. Tasted SO good. Took a load of pictures though and I was HORRIFIED by how I looked, what with my fat arms and massive nose. Honestly all this working out and I still can’t be confident of how I’ll look in photos. I’m so emotionally highly strung now that I got so upset about it I just wanted to go to sleep and forget about it. I know, ridiculous. I have to accept this about myself though, that I will be bothered about this kind of thing. I’m not above it, the only thing that I am proud of is that I won’t revert to artificial methods to eliminate the symptoms because I know that how I look isn’t the issue, it’s the lens of my own perception. Good news being that I can change that, just need to keep working at finding the way to that. Oh to wake up with serious existential questions in my head rather than an all – consuming neurosis about my weight and appearance! I have that strange feeling you have when you have a bug, when your body feels tender and your muscles feel really worn out and like they are covered in painful film that can’t be touched. It was fun hanging out with family yesterday, in any case. Hmm, might take a day off from exercise today, given how I’m feeling. Perhaps I could do some stretching later, but probably not very clever to do any intense exercise today. It’s tough not knowing what someone’s thinking, isn’t it. If you’re in their presence, I suppose you can know, but when you’re not actually around them and can’t pick up on those small subconscious cues, you don’t really know, do you? I thought yesterday was going to be stressful but actually, apart from hating myself in the photos, I as fine, maybe because of the talk I had with Eddy a few days ago which cleared some stuff up and things were isolated and I looked at things in a different way, and acknowledged some stuff too. I could see things a bit more clearly- – things lose their power once you’ve acknowledged them, don’t they? Ooh breakfast time. Yeah!

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