Sun March 3rd 2013

6.36 a.m.

Today I have plenty to do and frustratingly have clearly got some kind of bug. Feeling quite unwell, but on the plus side it’s not a bug that’s at full pelt yet, which is good I can probably get through today okay. Ravenously hungry even though I ate a lot yesterday, although it’s possible I didn’t actually have huge amounts. Quite possibly did though. Who knows. I was feeling too ill to pay much attention. Felt bad that my friend was over and I was such a bore, but he’s close enough to to be okay with being around if I’m in that kind of state which is awesome really, when you think about it. To have friends who you feel you can be vulnerable around – that’s a step in the right direction for me, anyway, as my immediate tendency is to hide anything but the status quo. I suppose that’s part of why I love acting so much, because it allows me to explore these things in a context that I don’t deem selfish or self – pitying. Anyway, a lot of credit should go to my friend because he is an awesome human being. I can’t believe how long we’ve actually been friends. 5 and a half years. Wow. I have “Misery” in my head, The Beatles’ version from Please Please Me. Haha. Occasionally “Chains” comes into my head too, obviously the amount that I listened to that album last week has had quite an impact and I’m just going around singing songs from it constantly.. Now Please Please Me.. Last night I said these words to my girl DOO DOO DOO DOO DO DO you know you never even tryyyy girl wah wah wah wah wa come on (come on) come on (come on) come on (come on) come on (come on) please please me whoah yeah, like I please you you don’t need me to show the way love hahaha I could probably sit here this morning and just write out the lyrics to The Beatles while I hear these songs in my head but actually it’s gone now. Hope today is fun. I’m sure it will be, good schedule, rehearsal, then filming, then home and cook, then family, then workout or by that point I may have to admit defeat and simply go for the rest off virus option which I actually think would be considered reasonable considering how I’m feeling. I wonder if I caught it off my friend I saw on Friday because she wasn’t well, so I’m thinking it’s an old thing that’s been hanging around and hasn’t fully taken form yet.  Sauron. OW my head. Now I think I look awful in my showreel. Upsetting! Why am I thinking about this now?! Haha oh well, I suppose I just have to roll with the punches rather than beating myself up for having the thought itself. It’s a sad prospect, going through your life never knowing something. There are so many things I will never know, just a function of the limited time that we have, really. Would definitely like to experience astonishment but am I in the right headspace for that? There are already so many psychological figures playing chess in my head and it’s probably best to resolve that particular game and reset all the pieces into their optimum spaces before confusing it and adding an extra layer of general confusion and madness to it all. Shaman. Past lives. Is there anything to that idea, of reincarnation? I like to believe in it because somehow it gives me hope, but now, the idea of mortality somehow inspires me too. Is the consideration of your rebirth somehow distracting you from leading an honest life in the here and now because your “concept” of what is “good” and will lead you to your next stage of spiritual evolution which you may not even fully understand because who knows what that actually is, what you actually need to come back as something more than a dung beetle? I don’t know. Just floating around. In essence, just want to do the right thing, really. Never quite sure of what that is, but positive I’ll get there in the end. A large chunk of my thoughts are currently occupied by one subject but I can’t bring myself to write it down on this occasion. I think because once the thoughts take on form on paper they will become part of my day, and I’m trying not to think in such terms too much because I don’t see what can come out of it today, that’s positive. In any case, I have to get on with the day as I have lots to do before I leave the house at 8.15, including eating porridge!! Yeah!

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