Weds March 6th 2013

7.04 a.m.

There are some fragments of my dream (one of them at least) in my head but all it really is is me doing some kind of mad fitness routine and a female friend, who I can’t remember or identify, encouraging me. That’s all I have at the moment. Audition was fun yesterday, whatever the outcome I enjoyed it – was good fun and spending the day rehearsing was also a joy. I’m so lucky to have something that I love doing so much that even if it’s just being at a friends’ house and running a scene and making discoveries along the way, or reading Shakespeare at home with Billy, it makes me feel alive and want to be alive. It’s fantastic. Not sure we actually want to be part of the show, but in any case, any audition is great experience and massively valuable. Yeah! Quite sleepy this morning but as small scale as it was, going to that audition has given me a bit of a boost because it went well. Really felt that we did our best, created an atmosphere, and the interchange between us was good and believable. Worried that I let my partner down at points, she has more stage energy than I do, I think, but something to work on and learn from. Must get stuff up onto my blog today. Computer dying was actually a real pain, but must make sure I get everything onto an external something or other as a means of damage control. Air bubbles. Dammit. How do you get that right? Oh well, at least the screen is protected. Come on come on come on come on come on come on. Hitting a bit of a writing wall, not sure why. I’m a bit warm this morning, just a bit too warm, quite rare for the morning. Yesterday was such a gorgeous day, honestly, walking through London with the sun shining and my earphones playing the soundtrack to my life at that moment was just awesome. Music often inspires me to move. What else. Was reminded yesterday of why I like to keep my distance from some people who have nothing better to do than moan and bitch about other people. It’s so negative, not to mention boring. Personally I prefer to talk about interesting stuff, although I am not completely immune to the quiet need that I observe and so abhor in others – to see fault in others and allow the feelings of inadequacy, or jealousy, or whatever, to take on some kind of life within me and become powerful enough to kick me into the act of speaking about it and spreading in into the world. Toxic. I really don’t like that idea – of spreading toxic energy around, but it’s just part of human nature. It’s a survival thing – makes you look better, or you think it does, anyway. Blah blah blah. Life is confusing sometimes, isn’t it? You never really know what’s right. Some days, you feel fine, some days you feel a bit grumpy, some days you look around and wonder what it’s all about and it’s a complete headfuck. I look at me sometimes and I sometimes I really wonder. What am I doing? I have no career at this point. I had one – quite a successful one which involved a decent amount of money and the scope for LOADS of money, but it didn’t make me happy. But now, no career, and no money either. I am  not making the progress I want to make in my new career which is frustrating, although 6 months is not a long time in the context of the career I’m pursuing but anyway, no career, no money and no real sense of what I have to offer, really. All that said, at least I’ve made the choice to create a life for myself that will give me what I need, as a human being, and I’m simply conscious through the process of rebuilding, whereas I slept through it all before and one day woke up and realised that I didn’t actually like what I’d created. This may feel painful now, but the pay – off will be the life that I want, not the life that I’ve simply ended up with and I’m just learning to walk again, from the beginning, and it all feels very new to me. Perhaps it’s hopeless foolishness, but I hope not. In the end, I’ll look back and be pleased with my choice. If I’m honest, I’m pleased with the choices I’ve made now. Anyway, at this point, ANYTHING is possible. There’s no reason for me not to be able to do all the things I want to do. Definitely not. Why am I letting myself be bothered by that? Is it ego? Must be. Can’t be anything else, can it? Would love to go and study Classical Theatre there though, so perhaps it’s sheer jealousy. Oh well, once I’ve found my way through the murky waters I’m navigating such things will become irrelevant, I need to find my own route. That’s the fun bit. Apparently.. Ha. Time for Nutella and Porridge and Tea.

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