Sun March 10th 2013

8.05 a.m.

Lots of noise this morning. In my brain, I mean. It’s cold in here, the heating obviously didn’t’ come on last night. Hope this doesn’t mean that the boiler has decided to break down again. Last night was fun. Yesterday was fun! Miss live music – glad we stayed out and saw the band all the way through and even had a bit of a dance which I find to be good for the soul! Ate too much at lunchtime, though I didn’t have much else for the rest of the day, so I suppose I should let myself off the hook although I can feel the sludge and the grease circulating around my system this morning. Just one of those things. Also quite hungry! Never mind. Lots of ideas, mind is very busy at the moment. Also, a sadness, a sense of loss which I suppose I will need to start dealing with and moving forward without dwelling on the details. Although it’s not right to skirt over issues either, so I just need to find the balance between dealing with things and moving on from them. I find that hard to do. As a defence mechanism, probably. Unfortunately it doesn’t help me very much, but it’s hard to let it go because I feel that it protects me. That said, I’m not sure that it’s done that so far. It’s hasn’t really, has it? Big illustrated edition of the complete works of Shakespeare by the bed. Such a beautiful edition. Perhaps all I am experiencing is not getting what I want and I’m not used to it and it’s getting me down a bit? I don’t know… Life’s not really about the punches themselves, is it? It’s about how you deal with the punches and how much you can keep going despite the barriers, whether perceived or real. I love live music, LOUD live music! Just love the feeling of music living through me, somehow. Last night was a covers band, but they were right, had a cool attitude and most of all, they were into what they were doing and it was good fun with lots of positive energy. Must look into festivals this year! Definitely. Madness. Scary. I worry about this sometimes. No point though, right? Once it happens, it happens, and fortunately you probably won’t realise it’s happened so it’s all good and anticipating it is a silly idea. Couldn’t sleep again last  night although I did get a few hours in the end, despite being absolutely knackered it was interrupted. Strange how that works. Making progress though, getting more sleep aggregate, I reckon. Broken hearts. Life’s funny. Sometimes stuff happens, you really didn’t expect it, and something everything changes just a little bit. Both amazing and terrifying. I’m learning that life is anything but simple – perhaps our mission is to find the simplicity in the madness, somehow. I don’t know. I’m pretty hungry. Mum is visiting today. That’ll be fun, haven’t seen her since Xmas, must not be pressured into eating loads as I’ll just feel rubbish afterwards if I do. What to do, I wonder. Could get a film, or some music that she likes for her to listen to while she’s here? Paid work. I need some paid work. Hmm. Tempted to close my eyes and try and get some more sleep, but now I’m awake and feel a need for tea! What a conundrum. My handwriting has gone tiny. Where’s my usual pen? Hmm. Going to get something to eat.

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