Tues March 12th 2013

7.44 a.m.

Cold! I could sleep.. For a thousand years… That’s how I feel this morning! Actually slept pretty well last night, although I had a really weird and scary dream about Billy – he was in bed, saying that he felt really weird – I asked him if I could get him some water – he didn’t really respond, just looked at me vacantly and then started crying and his eyes widened and he looked like he was totally freaking out which was really awful. Woke with a start. Also, bizarrely, had a dream that I made friends with Barack Obama on Twitter. Obviously very meaningful when all you can share is 160 characters. It looks like a lovely, crisp, bright day outside, which is cool – although it’s pretty cold in this room at the moment. Feel really fat this morning. I mean, really. My stomach feels all squidgy and it feels horrid. Applied for a load of jobs yesterday which felt good, also did it without being tied to the outcome, particularly, just thought they looked good and went for it so that I’ve started to put myself out there. Better not to get stuff that’s unsuitable as that won’t help me or teach me anything or worst of all lead to me working with people who are not anywhere close to the same mindset as me. It feels good to have that detachment. Talking it all through with Eddy really helped – absolutely correctly.. [the next three sentences here are completely illegible]..get that right. All you can get right is you – and that’s all we should really focus on, regardless of the path we’re on. It’s surprisingly difficult to get there sometimes though! Body is tense this morning. The cold never helps with that, you end up curling up into a position so that you conserve the heat and once you’ve warmed up a little patch on the bed you simply do not want to encounter the shock of a cold patch! That’s stressful, such a visceral shock to the system! Squash. Eeks. My best friend. It’s tough to put things out of your head sometimes, isn’t it? I have stuff in my head that I would much rather wasn’t there – what’s the key to dealing with it? Pushing it down seems silly and maladaptive – you won’t deal with it or evaluate it – you just store it in your subconscious and where it continues to live and affect you but you have no idea it’s going on most of the time so it just adds to the general confusion – but keeping it all in a conscious space doesn’t feel good. I suppose that’s healthier though – it doesn’t feel great having it in conscious space but I suppose anything worth dealing with won’t feel good at first and you have to be brave and process it properly. Eeks. Layers and layers and layers of emotional sludge but it’s all good. Would rather know the truth of the mess so that I can deal with it, rather than not really being sure of what’s going on but feeling it but having no conscious understanding whatsoever. Loved jamming! Must practice the flute. There’s something so cool about improv – freedom, interplay, energy. Living in the moment. Really enjoyed it. Lots to do. Busy day. Must complete PT module. Practice. Check out jobs. Plan plan plan! All good. Right, have to get on with the day. Going to make it a good one!

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