Fri March 15th 2013

7.58 a.m.

Radio 4. The Final Word. Tomorrow night at 11 – interesting – about the Vietnam War. Slightly later start this morning as Billy is off work, so it’s all good. Woke up with a very busy brain this morning – lots of stuff swirling around, most of which I’d rather wasn’t there but at the same time it’s me and what’s going on with me and I shouldn’t be so harsh on it, I reckon. What does #ff mean?  Yet another Twitter convention that I don’t understand, will have to check it out when I can be bothered. Something about a lack of school places. Craving. Baby boom. Babies are cute. I’m scared of having one of my own though, I don’t see how I’ll ever be at a place where I’m capable of being a good mother – I’m too selfish. I get irritable when I’m hungry, I expect to be allowed to sleep undisturbed when I want, and I can be in a bad mood and completely detach from those around me and all these habits don’t bode particularly well for bringing up a child. I’m amazed really, some jump into parenthood and do it really well. Without really thinking it through. Maybe that’s the only way to do it. Who knows? Could do with a duvet day and drifting in and out of sleep with Ally McBeal on maybe. Love that show. I appreciate the quirkiness of it and the questions it asks about love – it’s not afraid to delve into the crazier aspects of the love madness – and it’s not afraid to admit that deep down, whatever impression you try to give, we all want love. It’s simply a question of the form of love that works for you. The “arrangement”. I’m not sure that I’m at all designed to be alone. That said, I might be completely wrong. I don’t think so though.  Never really know how I feel. Tim Tams. I’m haunted by the memory of TimTams. I am going to have to order some, although if I get a pack I will probably get through them so quickly that the psychological ramifications of will be awful. I do want some though, they drift into my consciousness often. Something of a relief that we aren’t travelling this weekend so much. I’m pretty tired and the journey doesn’t seem worth it as the purpose of the trip was to try and make someone who wouldn’t commit to seeing us feel better and in the end, I’m glad I’m doing something that I need, ultimately. My friends have been really encouraging about the reel which is great. Radio is talking about violence. It’s sad to think about such things so early in the morning. Excited about breakfast, although it’s quite warm and I have a fuzzy mouth from sleeping through the radiator heat. In any case, time to get some tea, I think. Dreams. Eddy was over playing computer games, waiting for someone to come and say hi but for some reason they were detained. Billy’s Mum was there too. Can’t remember any more though.

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