Sun March 17th 2013

7.12 a.m.

Dreams. Hunger Games – esque. Walking through a gate. The ground is sandy. A drone is surveying the area, comes up to my face and scans it. I am with people but I can’t remember who. A grandma type figure is in the house and says that they’ve been again, we decide to go and comfort them and are expecting something to happen but I woke up with a jolt to the alarm as it went off before I found out what happened. Also dream about going to a town close by, my friend, who is based there, was staying in this  lovely house by the river – to get there you had to walk up a path through some greenery and it was very pleasant as we went through and for some reason I was in my PJ’s and we were discussing what to do and I said it’d be cool if I could borrow some proper clothes. She laughed and said of course. Then we were talking and she said that she feels like her heart is in stitches sometimes, which was really sad. A fleeting image has just come to me of a lone person in the sea. Aerial view. I don’t know where in the dream sequence that falls, but it’s a strong image. Was actually woken up by the alarm today which makes a change. Usually I’m woken up by a) insomnia or b) the need to pee, though we did have a late night last night. Had fun, it was cool to get our friends together and hang out – I feel much better about not working after talking it out. Loads better. I’m glad we instigated some kind of impromptu chilled evening out because we can kick back today, having done the social bit. I’m not very good at kicking back these days, I’m realising, I find it hard to relax completely because I feel that I don’t deserve it because I’m not working, but talking it out reassures me that it’s not so terrible, after all, and I need to learn to let people help and support me, its true, and talking things through made me realise important stuff. It’s important to let your loved ones help you and trust them enough to give them the opportunity to help you. Perhaps I haven’t given Billy that opportunity enough in the past and that has been a mistake of my character although I operate on trust and perhaps it has been difficult for me to trust so slowly my willingness to let someone help has waned over the course of my life so far. That and I am quite sensitive to other peoples’ stuff, in a way. There is so much there to love. I’m trying to be present, not look too far forward, or to far back, and just be present and experience the current situation. Definitely. Also had a dream that my reel got 58,000 DISLIKES! Owch! It was awful. Lucrative racket. Anyway, yes, that was upsetting indeed. Didn’t like that. So, surprise, surprise, I feel quite fat today. I did have plenty to eat last night, but for lunch I had 2 slices of toast and a big bowl of fruit with yoghurt, and dinner was Busaba, considered to be one of the healthiest food places in London, so why worry. Also, I’m nice and hungry, this morning, in a good way, so there’s no reason why I wouldn’t I don’t know what I was going to say there but there you go. Something about rhythm. Interesting. Lucrative racket. Wonder if I should turn the radio up. I think not. Perhaps I could attain the ultimate state and have a mammoth Sunday morning lie – in – haven’t had one of those in four months. At least. That’d be awesome. I think I might just put down my pen, and get me some sleep.. And if that fails, I can get a cup of tea, some porridge, some Nutella, and be happy.

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