Fri March 22nd 2013

6.19 a.m.

Disturbed sleep. Had cramp and my brain was busy. Also, severe temperature drop! There seem to be particles of snow floating around, which is insane considering it’s been light since 5.30 and we’re meant to be moving towards spring. Oh well. Had a dream where I was crying internally, ST was playing and I just burst into sobs and realised that the reason why I’m so upset is because I have no control and it’s difficult to let go sometimes. Still, I’m glad I cried in my dream, at least. It’s good to have that kind of relief. I’m feeling a bit anxious about things. Why I’m in such a hurry, I don’t know, but I feel like I might not have enough time. Where does this belief come from? The idea that I will die early is one that I have held for a long time, but it is rooted in nothing. Interestingly, in times of real illness, I didn’t think about that at all – probably because I had better things to occupy my brain with. I’m writing with an NH Hotels pen, must be the one I brought back from Amsterdam all that time ago. Fortis project. Feels like another lifetime. Amazing that I’ve still got the pen, really. Very inspired to keep writing which is good. If nothing else, I feel like I’m in a creative space and finding myself which is positive – does everyone go through this strange cycle of confusion and sense of freefall? I suppose, in the end, it’s just a matter of learning to live in a certain space when you move towards a place that is completely different and makes different demands of you. The adjustment period, whatever the situation, is tough. It does make perfect sense. Annoying that the tax office is closed. It looks pretty outside. From the comfort of inside, I mean. Wouldn’t want to be out there, although I enjoyed walking the dog yesterday, literally felt like it cleared out my brain. Dreams. Hmm. I remembered one from the other day, actually – Kings Cross train station – sitting at one of the platforms, it was light, quite a big platform, with Tangerine Dream! Haha. And for some reason, I was hanging out with them, had bags and was sat on the floor of the platform with them, and we were discussing the merits of life on the road. I have Born to Run in my head. I think it’s because I heard that advert for the gig in June on the radio in the dream – anyway, in the dream we were talking a lot which was cool. I have a glimmer of a memory of being in a city during the day, across the street in a huge church. The sky is blue and it looks bright and breezy, but I can’t remember much else from that. Hormones. Yikes. Though I’m always kind of [illegible], if I’m honest. Poetry competition! Yeah!  Life’s funny, isn’t it? Someone once said to me that life is quite simple really – you eat, walk around a bit, eat some food, sleep, and then you die. At the time I thought it was a very reductionist way of looking at the world, but this morning, it makes perfect sense and I can’t really argue against it. I don’t necessarily agree that these things make up the complete picture, but I was thinking about it. At the moment, I wake up, I write, I have breakfast, I write or study, I exercise, I shower, I eat, I write, I do some acting related work, I write, read Shakespeare, watch something and sleep. All these activities are coloured by cups of tea. But that’s basically it. Then I wake up the next day and do it all over again. It’s not that much fuller than what my Quite Clever Friend said once. All that said, sometimes life offers you small discoveries that are really too exciting. Yesterday, it was Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. I don’t think I’ve ever tasted anything nicer. Except Nutella, maybe. Sometimes it’s good to get this stuff off your chest though, because now I’ve written it all down, I’m thinking about the stuff that fills you up inside. The songs you hear, the joy you feel when you complete something, whatever it is, the taste of your favourite food, that first sip of tea in the morning, the text message or email your Mum sends you from her new phone that makes you well up with pride and excitement because it’s so cool that she’s learning new stuff too. Life is rich. And every moment of it is valuable and exciting. Sometimes you really do have to clear out the crap to find out what you’re really feeling. Sad about strawberries. They’re already growing fur. Such a shame because I like them and want to eat them but can’t keep up with the pace. Never mind. At the moment I remain unhealthily obsessed with chocolate. It’s become my drug of choice. Maybe, just for a while, I’ll let myself enjoy it. Life really may be too short.

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