Everyone Will Have His Day To Die

A long street. All the houses look the same. Are they flats? I don’t know. Do I actually care? Not really. I look down at my trainers as they tap the pavement in a perfect rhythm, almost too perfect. It scares me how perfect everything looks out here. It is a bright day but there is a film over everything my eye touches, everything seems to be covered in a layer of muck and continues to attract more and more muck. I don’t understand. How did I end up here? As I walk I feel freedom, but I am trapped by my own thoughts, my own body, my own existence. I am consumed by the desire to escape this existence and disappear. None of this can be real, can it? Is this what normality actually feels like? Suicidal episode. Can’t be. If I was going to do it, I’d just do it. Isolation. One of the most painful human emotions. Beyond guilt, sadness, anger, even. When you feel there is no one alive that you can turn to, share your emotions with, connect to on any level. When you feel the pain of knowing that looking another person in the eye is impossible because you are so petrified by the possibility that you will be exposed for the fucking fraud that you really are, that’s a pain like nothing else. Because you want to. Need to. And you know that you can’t. You are all alone and you will never deserve for anyone to ever give a shit about you because you have fucked up and have to lie in the pool of muck that you have chosen to habit and no one will ever let go of the mistakes that you have made you fucking fraud. But the guitar solo in this track is wondrous and it takes me out of my murky thoughts and mode of living for a moment and reminds me that even inside pain there is beauty and everything can be beautiful if you choose to see it that way. It’s all a choice. Do I want this for myself? Do I want to continue to pound on a fault line, or is it time for me to stop feeling so fucking sorry for myself and moving forward in a perfect step, as my feet seem to be doing without the interference of my confused thoughts? I’m over this. I’m over this.  I don’t want to throw it away. I’m over this.

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