How Could I Ever Have Lost You?

2 a.m. I am alone. Lonely. Isolated. I am completely confused and have no sense of whether I am awake or dreaming some awful dream where the whole world has decided to leave me alone in this room in complete isolation, in an emotional wilderness where my own feelings make no sense to me and I am so isolated and lonely there is no living soul who I can turn to who I could hope would ever understand. You are not here with me and I want to come to you but I know that you do not want me to. You do not want me. I cannot offer you the things that you are looking for and even if I try to ask you what I can do to make it better you will not tell me. Not because you are a bad person. Because you can’t. The chords are off key, you are not here, and I cry, and cry, and cry, and cry, and am suddenly glad that the living world is far away from me because I do not want any of them to see this. My shame. I am ashamed and now I’ve found you I don’t want to let you go and I am scared but you do not seem to want to help me. As this song plays, I feel the pain of loss. How could I ever have lost you?


2 responses to “How Could I Ever Have Lost You?

  1. It feels as though you are writing from personal experience and after reading your post, all I could think of was to give you a hug to ease the pain. So here goes, sending a hug your way.

    • Hey there, thank for reading and for taking the time to post!
      You are absolutely right, all of these posts are from personal experience and memories – this one was from a good few years ago, but sometimes memory is terrifyingly powerful and your hug is very gratefully received!
      Thank you 🙂

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