Saturday March 23rd 2013

7.45 a.m.

It’s been snowing! It’s settled and it looks beautiful outside but somehow it seems strange not to have a Christmas tree and to be getting ready for a big feed and processing the fact that it’s almost April makes it a bit stranger. It’s pretty insane, but it’s also pretty, so who’s complaining? I can see the snow falling through the gap in the curtains too, and there’s something romantic about it that makes me happy and a touch melancholy all at once. Anyway, it’s pretty. Irrefutable. For some reason, I’ve stopped. Stopped. Why, I wonder. It happens more and more, lately. Sometimes I see a word and can’t work out whether I’ve spelt it correctly or not. It’s strange because spelling is  one of those things that has always been instinctive to me, so it’s unsettling when I have one of those moments! I don’t like that I’ve put on weight, but I literally have no idea what I look like these days. Not as upset about it as I might have been a few months ago though, as I feel more tired and can even believe that my body composition has improved. Also I am challenging my body and learning new skills, it’s not all about maintaining weight anyway, that wasn’t the reason I started, it’s about the exploration of the range of movements and skills that the body is capable of performing. Mustn’t lose sight of that motivation – it’s what has got me to this point and it’s a far healthier reason to exercise than some intangible desire to attain the perfection that is presented to us as truth but in fact is an ugly fraud once you’ve peeled away the shiny surface. Yikes. Rant! I was so pleased to get positive feedback on my first couple of PT modules. It really made me feel much better – it cemented the notion, psychologically, that I am actually on a path with a vocation at the end of it which will provide me with a lot of what I want, which is great, and will allow to pursue my other artistic goals also. And I’m actually doing well so far, so I don’t need to worry so much. It’s given me a boost which is great and I’m believing in myself a bit more off the back of it. Why is it that some things that people say stick in your mind and occasionally flash into your memory even though you’re not sure you want them to? I hope that on some level, I want or need to remember those things, or the fact that these vague things drift in and out of consciousness is simply terrifying. Is it all just self – inflicted pain? Why would I put myself through it? What’s the end game? Just remembered a bit of a dream. My ex – boyfriend, and a friend of mine from school, talking to me. Billy, Marco and  Marco’s wife were waiting for me in a kebab type place, bright lights, plastic tables and chairs – she was talking about something. I commented on how amazingly well organised she was and how I wished I knew how to be so organised. Then, I don’t remember. I woke up on the floor and Rowan Atkinson (ha!) was watching over me and advised me that it was 1am and we needed to get back. I asked where everyone was, he rolled his eyes and said that obviously, they’d left. I couldn’t decide which shoes to wear, eventually chose my trainers but they were small for me and really difficult to get on. Bizarre! Something about a chicken and a  lamb too. Bizarre. Also I dreamt, and I think this was the same dream, that I was studying at East 15 – the lecture hall was huge and I was confused but Gazelle was there, and two other girls who I went to primary school with, and they moved up so I had a seat which was kind of them. Interesting. Are we actually meant to remember our dreams? It’s SO interesting when you do, but perhaps you aren’t meant to if it’s naturally against what you do. I don’t think so though, we are quite clever really, we can’t access most of our brain, so I guess we absolutely weren’t meant to remember dreams, we wouldn’t even get a glimmer. Sometimes I wonder about how people perceive me, people who are ultimately minor members of a chorus or background artists in the story of this life of mine, but who I have encountered. Why do I even care? I need to take a good look in the mirror and work at how I perceive myself. That’s all that matters, right? What I have as a self perception at the moment is simply not helpful. This life stuff is hard work!

Air. On the stereo. I love the Nighty – Night playlist. Time for breakfast. Yeah! Makes me happy to be awake. Let’s go let’s go let’s go let’s go!

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