Monday March 25th 2013

7.12 a.m.

I’ve fallen into a self – destructive pit, somehow. Over the course the night I must have dreamt myself into some kind of negative state, because now, I can’t seem to get myself out of it but hopefully I’ll be able to get myself by writing like this. I don’t even know what it’s about, I’m just in that kind of mood, I suppose. I’ll feel much better when I’m back out into the world working. Or will I? What do I actually want? I need to learn to be okay with periods like this, or there’ll be trouble next time, for sure. It’s all part of a process. Process process process. When you’re in the thick of it you can’t really see that you’re just on a journey, travelling TO somewhere, you’re lost and don’t know where you are and can’t see the beginning or the end. Okay, I’m not lost anymore. That’s where I am. I’m a bit disoriented but I can find my way now that I’ve accepted that.  I’ve found myself thinking about death recently, too. Not in a morbid way. In a “what’s it all about” kind of way. How bizarre that we all become alive, walk around and do some stuff, and then we die. It’s just bizarre. Not so scary. Just bizarre. I don’t know. It’s a sure fire sign you aren’t DOING enough when you have the time to wonder about such madness as how bizarre the whole “life” thing actually is. Lots of be grateful for too. Definitely. Sometimes it can be hard to see the wood for the trees but when you really start working through things the fun bit is the images of your friends and family and cartoons and anything that makes you feel good that drift into your head and remind you that actually, it’s not empty, and there is an infinite amount of love as well as confusion and actually, that’s what keeps you going and interested. When you find yourself in the thick of it / Help yourself to a bit of what is all around you / You silly girl / Take a good look around you / Take a good look around to see / That you and me / Were meant to be / For each other… Love that song and I like Paul McCartney for writing such a wonderful song about his dog. Writing is fun. I feel lucky that I am ENJOYING the process so much at the moment. I suppose it’s because there’s no pressure and it’s fun and that’s why I do it. I’m enjoying being in my own creative bubble when I write. It’s not for anyone else and in a way it’s like I’m nurturing myself in a way I haven’t allowed myself to do before. The next step, I suppose, is to broaden that nurturing sense and apply it to how I generally feel towards myself in general. The way looks clearer. Doing this really does help. I saw a photo yesterday. Didn’t help things at all. Directly. So directly. And it made me start thinking. Images are powerful. An image can set off an uncontrollable chain or pattern in your mind that you are trying desperately to interrupt, conquer, break. Such militant terms. I wonder if my eyesight has improved. It had improved a bit, a few weeks ago, and I kind of think it might be a bit better now but who knows, really.

Hmm, I fancy a shower and breakfast (ha not at the same time, obviously) but I can’t use hot water at the same time as someone else so I’ll have to work out how to solve that problem. Frankly don’t know whether I’m up to the challenge.


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