Sun March 31st 2013

8.44 a.m.

Yawn yawn yawn! Another beautiful morning! Mornings are currently AMAZING. My eyes are all puffy after my outburst yesterday, but these days things have to come out and better out than in, definitely. On the plus side I feel less tense in the body than before, so it must have helped. It’s hard though, it feels like your head is going to explode because it’s so full of stuff that your life has been up to this point and when you let yourself start processing it, you realise how utterly terrifying looking yourself in the eye actually is. I don’t really know what’s right or wrong anymore, if I’m honest. I’m generally very confused and am just accepting the fact that I am working through stuff and will be for a while to come. Even though my eyes are hazy and my thoughts they might be narrow where you been don’t bother me / Or bring me down with sorrow / I don’t even mind who you be waking with tomorrow / Mama you just on my mind… In my head. Who knows why? Dreams about being in a plane that landed on a beach runway, called Kaakaa or something similar.. Went to a shop which I suppose was the airport shop but it was just a hut and I bought some portable cameras and water. Then we walked down. The plane was so close to the ground when we were in it that I could see the birds on the beach and couldn’t look for fear of seeing them all crushed by the plane – and then on the way to another beach I was hungry and asked Dad if I could stop and get a snack. I checked every single nutritional label on every snack bar on offer before my Dad got annoyed with me and asked me to choose one so everyone could move on with their lives, which upset me in the dream although I can imagine that being pretty annoying..! We went to this fish and chip restaurant which was over three floors, I went to the loo, and then found my way back up only to discover that to get back to my seat I had to jump up over the bannisters, quite a sheer drop, so I was standing there paralysed until a waitress came up and couldn’t carry everything she needed to serve so I offered to help her – she gave me some cutlery and told me to the set Table No. 8. Found it, turned out it was the name of a floor, but didn’t know which TABLE she was actually referring to – she had given me two sets of cutlery, all the tables seemed to seat four people. Someone asked me to consider working there for some reason, odd. Any other dreams. Birds tweeting. In bed feeling awkward. Like I’m not doing the right things, I don’t know. I feel like a bit of a failure at the moment, I suppose. Not sure if I’m really equipped to handle these challenges, really. My head is starting to feel all tight and there are no interesting thoughts in my head at all which is a bit upsetting. No interesting questions – just insecurity – and insecurity about the most banal issues. Keep drifting off and looking off into space and not really thinking anything. I must just be tired. Tired tired tired. But why? I’m not even working at the moment, can’t see what the reason for feeling so groggy is at this point. Perhaps it’s just because it’s exhausting clearing the emotional gunk out of your system when you’re not used to doing it, really. I don’t know what’s going on. Can’t get myself into the right headspace. I don’t know. Have so much stuff stuck in my head that I need to get out again, the well fills up so quickly. What should I do with all this emotion? I don’t know. I don’t know what’s right. Tempted to curl up and go back to sleep and forget about everything but no, that’s what I’ve been doing up to this point and that’s why I am where I am. Tea. Tea. Tea.

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