Tues April 2nd 2013

7.55 a.m.

Woke up in the middle of a dream.. Stay in bed. Float upstream… Eyes glazed over, radio playing soothing music which I think is Vaughan Williams. The sun comes through the window and it’s beautiful. I am yawning and feel peaceful.

My dream involved a treadmill, making plans to go to Wales with my best friend and some others. At the gym I was on the treadmill and some woman who was there too took it upon herself to educate me on the merits of power walking – I couldn’t walk any faster than 10.5 and that made me feel bad about myself for some reason. This woman was part of the gang going to Wales – she was hanging around waiting for me but I said I was travelling with my best friend. We debated how to manage timings – she suggested we skip post-workout showers to get there earlier and then have luxurious showers on arrival but also suggested short, perfunctory washes to get the sweat off before a long car journey. Nice! Don’t quite remember which option we went for. In another dream, a big hall and some kind of wedding ceremony. Meera Syal was in this dream – she had a big secret – she was a pop star and hadn’t told anyone about it, not even her husband. They only found out because a camera was following them around. It then turned out that her husband was also famous in some way, but I can’t remember how. In the end there was someone who fell over which was both tragic and funny, and there were petals all over the floor and I looked quite pretty but felt distinctly like a TV set or something. Anything else. The dream about Wales – it was dark, me and Billy were in the car and we stopped to get something and it was PITCH BLACK outside. I was fumbling for the small light, but it was still really dark and freezing cold. Also somewhere along the line, we were with Billy’s family; all crammed into the bedroom – Billy’s brothers’ fiancé had some music on her mobile phone, including Immigrant Song, but said she didn’t put it on because she didn’t have any music. I put it on. Billy complained about the sound quality. Then Billy was standing around and no one except me seemed to notice. Strange. Vague image of another dream where we are all discussing another kind of plan, but I can’t remember what it was. Helpful. The room was bright, like an old editorial office for a grungy newspaper. I don’t remember much else though. Anything else. Not sure. Interesting selection of stuff.

Like the idea that a theme that your subconscious is trying to process will keep beating at the door of consciousness in an attempt to be noticed. So many ways to interpret but in the end I guess there’s no right or wrong, is there? You just have to look at it and take from it what you will, which is cool, but it’s still very much at the mercy of your prejudices and focus at the time – or the lens that you have slipped into your eye to see the world with today. Which lens have you chosen today? How do you even choose? Why is it that one day you wake up feeling alive and hopeful, and then on another, you see everything as dark? Choosing your lens is a delicate process and one that, funnily enough, I don’t feel that I have much control over at the moment, or even, awareness of, as a process when I’m awake. When my day begins. Why is that? I don’t know. Perhaps doing this will help with that.

Dream fragment. A letter that I wrote (not in reality, in the dream) – don’t remember who to. Quite a long letter, from what I remember. In the dream I was proud of it. Ha! Hilarious.

Grumpy. I am grumpy these days. I’m not sure what I think of it. I am where I am, doing my best to accept it, but I’m not sure of how I should be processing it. Another couple of hours would be good. But wasteful. Don’t really need any more. Stomach feels a bit uncomfortable. Alleviation of tension. Trying not to hold on too much. Hard not to let yourself keep adding to it by not fully acknowledging things as they come but this new approach is making me feel like a crazy person! How long? Sad. I don’t know. I suppose we’ll work it out over time. I think one of my best friends’ friends made an appearance in my dream, actually. Lots of interesting figures and characters emerging in there! Perhaps my recall is better because I woke up artificially rather than naturally. Who knows. Sounds like wrapping up warm is the order of the day again today. Television. Places. Love. Clouds. Sunshine. Sunshine. Sunshine. I do love the sunshine. Now we just need to warm up and we’re all good! At least it’s not grey and raining. That really would be the absolute pits – getting wet and cold isn’t strictly the best feeling, though I don’t mind it as much these days.

Okay, breakfast time. Woo hoo!

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