April 5th 2013

7.35 a.m.

Dream. Shooting a scene. Showreel Guy is directing. Ray is there, in a building with an adjoining door that is full of people having a meeting of some sort. I go to shut the door as Ray talks about a woman who he used to work with who he used to call hatchet face. I thought that was both typical and cruel. I shut the door, everyone inside exclaims because they aren’t able to get out so I open the door again. Making a cup of tea but get distracted. This house is strange, laminated wooden floors, Ray is sitting at a round table in one corner of the room, it’s light. We’ve just finished filming one scene, I need to learn the lines for the next one but for some reason I have to go outside to learn them and there is a long bridge that stretches out to the vast expanse of the sea and I walk along it and am greeted by Christina Aguilera (WHAT?!) who is very nice and is one of the characters in this dream as she takes me to this party full of hip hop music and swanky cars which I don’t actually like and everything seems to be moving in slow motion. Showreel Guy jokingly tells me I’d better have my lines word perfect. Tom Cruise is also involved in some way, maybe as the other actor? I don’t know. Weird. In another dream, Simon Rattle is the headteacher of a school and goes on holiday. Myself, and another teacher, who might have been Maggie Smith but I can’t remember properly, sneak into his office and see loads of sweet jars. So many sweets. We conclude that the explanation for all his bizarre behaviour can be found in his sugar addiction. I pick up a Bach CD, explaining that it’s too logical to move me (which is what I actually feel so that’s one thing that makes sense!); the teacher says we’ll have a listen. Amazing. Maggie Smith, Simon Rattle, Tom Cruise, Christina Aguilera. WHAT are these people doing in my subconscious?! Ha, it’s quite funny, really. Anyway, we step outside – it’s my Dad’s house, and I think about whether to have a home so close by but decide against it because I would be on 24/7 call for anything school related. Hmm, there’s a clear message there. All in all, an interesting set of dreams. Woke up questioning my own courage this morning. Am I simply not brave? I don’t know. Falling back into a pattern that I don’t want to fall into but I know that fighting it is completely futile and actually unhealthy but it’s so awful when I walk this path that I’d rather just avoid it completely. Strange business. What do we identify ourselves as, really? How can we really identify ourselves as anything when we are all so capable of so many things, good and bad, whatever the reason? Absolutes as simply defences, or check points, that show us the direction in which we are heading, and make us alert and aware of where we actually are – but they can’t serve us beyond that because they betray the confused and circumstantial nature of life and the events presented to us. I am going to find peace today. I have woken with none, but I can find the peace. And I will. Yeah!

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