Weds April 10th 2013

7.05 a.m.

It’s a grey morning, but I feel good. Relaxed. Birds are singing and heralding the beginning of a new day. April. April! How fast does time go? It’s crazy. I must be getting older, a year seems like no time at all to me now. Warm. It’s so warm in here. Hmm. Decided to set the alarm for an earlier time so I would be up and about a bit sooner, need to reset my body clock. So happy that I got another 100% in my Personal Training assessment, that’s great. Determined to be super duper trainer, helping people to get fighting fit and confident and connected to these miraculous things we have called bodies. There’s a spider living in this room. He’s been around for a few days now and he’s part of the furniture, almost. I think I’ll call him Henry. I dreamt about going to the doctors’. I was walking with Michael, I started by running locally, I remember running past Wagamama, and somehow we ended up on a huge road and I was a bit apprehensive about crossing it and it was grey for most of the journey but when we got to the door of the building – 61A, this big house, we realised that the surgery was closed but we were fine with it because the sun had just come out and we would have missed the sunshine if we’d gone into the surgery anyway. I had another dream which I had in my head when I woke up, determined to remember it, but obviously it’s escaped me! It was a nice dream, I remember that much. What day is it? Today, my favourite day. I love that quote. Self exploration. Scary, but ultimately very rewarding. Things are beginning to unlock and I am finding things that I didn’t realise were there lurking in the subconscious which is kind of cool – difficult to calculate or describe in words but something shifts and it feels very real to me. I need a crowd of people, but I can’t face them day to day. Thank you Neil Young. Plod plod plod plod. Conversations yesterday were all interesting. Meaningful. There is so much to think about, process, discover. Introspection and real, true self  – acceptance is tiring work! The most rewarding and valuable work, but exhausting work! I have muscle ache this morning! Yeah! Worked so hard at my workout yesterday despite being hit by the ultimate energy – lethargy..! In a way I’m lucky, the career paths I’ve chosen demand a level of physical fitness – so for me, a workout is an essential component of my working life. Not doing it is like taking a sick day, which is tough when you have to make that pathetic, excuse making phone call to yourself. Heard a programme on Radio 4 yesterday about loneliness and it made me think. Loneliness is the affliction of our age, I think. There are so many expectations on our time, so many ways to avoid intimacy that is so terrifying but so core to our human needs that we end up swamped with ways to connect, but no real connection. I don’t know, really. It’s early. I feel guilty that I’m not earning money at the moment. It doesn’t sit well with me. I’m not used to it. In a way though, I think it’s good for me to get to a place where I can accept and enjoy this time because it is yielding valuable changes and is giving me the time and space to move forward in the direction that I want to move in. Change is tough, but I’m starting to recognise the good of it. There is lots of work to do, on all angles. All elements require a concerted effort but that’s fine with me. Don’t mind a healthy dose of hard work. Nothing should feel easy, or what’s the point? If something is too easy, it doesn’t feel deserved, or earned. When you’ve worked really hard at something and achieved something, generally you experience that wonderful sensation of SATISFACTION. You DESERVE it. Yeah! So today, I am writing, exercising, studying. A positive day ahead. Can’t believe how fast my days are going by. All this stuff is fun too, stuff I actually want to learn about, want to do. In that sense, I’m in some kind of control. Though I’m starting to think that control is highly over – rated. It’s letting go that’s the really rewarding bit.

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