Fri April 12th 2013

7.34 a.m.

Up slightly earlier than usual today, with a bit more energy. My thoughts are actually quite negative and vengeful today, which I don’t like, I wish I was able to be less sensitive to people being arseholes because intellectually I know that it’s not about me, it’s about them. These days, when money is tight, and every penny spent is significant, feeling that there is a possibility that I’ve been screwed financially is very upsetting indeed. Still, it’s better for me to let it go, see what happens, and I have indeed been scammed, I can make sure that I let other people know and at least get things off my chest. It’s probably just some kind of test. There must be a lesson in it if it’s happened to me just now, so I’m going to let it go for now, and not let it ruin my day because I have better things to be getting on with.

Remember fragments of my dreams. In one, it’s raining on the streets, it’s dark – ish but not the evening, and I have no shoes but am going to the cinema with Dusty so I mention that I have no shoes but we both agree that’s no reason to cancel the trip and I walk the streets of the City in just my socks. I think Janie was there too, but I can’t remember properly. In another dream, we were in a black and white courtroom drama, where the verdict made me so angry I started throwing things and shouting – a few others joined in – but people ended up getting hurt and I felt really bad about it. I suppose that is simply off the back of watching The Verdict last night. In another dream, I was with my Aunt and cousins and Dad and Billy and we were standing in a street which was quiet and residential which had a view through the alley of two houses through which you could see a huge red brick building. My Aunt told me that the building was the old library, but I didn’t understand how it could be so close to where I lived. It also looked more like a hospital than a library, but she, and the rest of the family, seemed absolutely positive about it, which made me wonder and doubt my own ideas. In another dream, I was in a house, but that’s all I remember. Handy! Perhaps it will come back to me later. Started reading The Doors of Perception last night, fascinating. Quite a few words I didn’t understand, perhaps they weren’t even real words, who knows, but it’s fascinating. Glad I’m getting back into reading. I fear losing the ability to escape into a good book, really I do, because it’s one of the ultimate gifts of being human, I think. Being able to process language in a way that stimulates your imagination to create a completely fictional world. It’s so cool that we can do that. It’s just that reading requires a bit of effort, so I worry that in an age when you can distract yourself by browsing the news, or Facebook, or Twitter for a couple of hours and not really stimulate anything properly, or create anything in your imagination, we’ll end up losing the ability altogether. Or I will, anyway. That said, I feel more thirst for understanding, creativity and freedom than I’ve ever done before, so perhaps I should relax and stop taking everything so damn seriously and worrying so much. I do take stuff far too seriously sometimes, it’s true. Haha. Oh well. I suppose I need to find balance.

It’s grey outside. The view out of the window is interesting to me. A white door frame, cutting into symmetrical wooden panels, cutting onto the corrugated iron pads of a roof which cut into the peak of a tree which seems to be glued, fast, to a sheet of grey. It’s an interesting view.

Right. Time to start the day. Yeah!

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