Sunday April 14th 2013

8.09 a.m.

Beautiful morning. It’s warm, I can hear birds singing, and the room is shrouded in a warm glow that makes me feel pretty good! I think I had a really scary dream at some point in the night, because I remember waking up feeling a bit stressed out but what the dream itself was I can’t remember. Also dreamt about 2 friends – one friend accepting that her best friend was in love with her boyfriend and blessing their relationship. Another, where an old woman was saying that she couldn’t give up now, not after she has beaten her chest and stamped her feet so much. Another dream was about a film but I can’t remember much else. Maybe I don’t want to! Who knows. Yesterday was fun. Great fun. Although I ate far too much. All paced out, but just too much – when everything on offer is so tasty, self control becomes very difficult! Only 5 days left of my current workout programme, then it’s time to decide on what’s next. Might go back to a tried and tested – go for the super fat shedding for 2 months as I’ve missed the intensity! I think I’ve built muscle but feel like the bad eating may have upped the fat levels a bit which makes me feel all crappy. I can see the extra weight and I don’t like it! Want to watch The Hobbit again! Don’t want to kill it, but it was just so much fun to watch! Really enjoyed it. Thinking about what it takes to actually make a film. Must keep researching, planning, learning how it all works. Keep the momentum up. Too easy to let yourself feel that there’s no point in anything that you’re doing, that you’re being silly. The Inner Critic can be a real bastard sometimes! Simply must keep going, because who knows where the effort you’re putting in might lead you? Might be totally unexpected, and not what you planned at all, but life is one big journey full of unexpected pit stops which is what makes it so much fun, ultimately. Would be SO boring if we knew where we were going all the time. Starting to appreciate the mess..! Struck again by what a beautiful morning it is. Spring may actually be here – yeah! I think we have MD over for lunch today, and to watch the golf, so exercise and writing and stuff will all have to happen fairly early. Also want to give the flat a bit of a clean, it’s getting on a bit messy. I’d like – I don’t know what as I lost my train of thought there – but I suppose there are plenty of things I would like, really. Hmm. I’ve run out of stuff. It doesn’t seem to be flowing. It seems the flow is becoming gradually more and more restricted. Why is that? It’s difficult to stop myself from judging this too – I’m trying to be accepting and not fall into a cycle of self – criticism and questioning why I’m too rubbish to be able to do it, and all the things I want to do properly, but it’s difficult because I feel like I’m going backwards.. Something is stopping me from really being able to do this for a sustained period and I need to let the answer find its way into my consciousness. I suppose it’ll take a bit of time to find its way up, which is of course fine. It’s there somewhere. It’s just a bit unsettling..! All that said, it’s reassuring in a way, peaks and troughs, swings and roundabouts… Anything that runs too smoothly probably isn’t very helpful or educational anyway. Hopefully. Hungry. Breakfast. Exciting.

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