Thurs April 18th 2013

6.59 a.m.

I’m angry with rudeness – what kind of human being is so lacking in basic manners? People are very annoying sometimes. Oh well, I’m sure that on some level it’s for a reason and I’ll learn from this whole experience. What an awful thing to have in your head first thing in the morning!  Still, it’s more of a thought, I don’t feel rage or anger or frustration coursing through my veins or anything, which I see as a good thing. Rather enjoying being domestic at the moment – I’m enjoying attending to duties of the home, cooking is an enjoyable and rewarding activity, especially when you have someone as appreciative as Billy to share the fruits of your labour. I quite enjoy “looking after” too – it has to be balanced, I need to feel that I am being supported too, I suppose, so that I don’t get quietly resentful, but I’m enjoying the arrangement at the moment. I suppose anyone would, and I’m ridiculously lucky to have this period of freedom. Swings and roundabouts. I remember Billy’s first period of unemployment – for the first 7-8 months I so wanted him to find his way, get the foundations set for working out what he actually wanted to do, that I wasn’t annoyed at all because it was a long term investment (didn’t really end up that way) but I’m pleased that I need this time, in a way, because it’s proof to me that giving someone something because you genuinely want to help them (in spite of the well-intentioned inputs of others), will, at some point, reflect itself back to you. I’m starting to look at this year as a year of change, of laying foundations and going back to the beginning, almost, and starting again. In terms of career and lifestyle, anyway. My days are very full, which I like – different parts of my brain and body are constantly being challenged. Sometimes, going through an anatomy lecture isn’t as much fun as I’d like, but that’s the nature of study.  Today, I feel motivated to learn, which, day to day, is becoming the norm. I’m finding some form of stability, maybe, but in a new context – or perhaps I’m learning how to be more relaxed about the situation I’m in. I don’t know. In any case, my brain seems to be occupied with thoughts of getting positive stuff done, hopes for the future, and a calm voice telling me that I don’t have to rush. Talking it through with Billy on Sunday helped – if he meant what he said, and I believe it because I’ve been feeling so much better since then, I can take my time. Keep working away, moving forward, yes, but without the sword of Damacles hanging over my head. Relief. I feel relief.

Finished my current workout programme yesterday. Yeah! So the next couple of days will be days of rest. Then, time to go and shred the fat. This one was good for shoulders, arms and legs – not so good for the core although in all fairness it coincided with a regression into some bad eating habits, so maybe a bit of a flawed test. In any case, no doubt I’ll get the urge to go back to it at some point.

Okay, time to get on with the day! Can’t remember any dreams this morning, slept well. The sound of a lightsabre is still the coolest sound in the world. Let’s go!

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