Fri April 19th 2013

6.29 a.m.

Always the way. As soon as I get a bit angry about something, it gets sorted, and I feel like a mong! All that said, I’m glad I worked to stop myself from getting too emotionally invested in the angry thoughts and getting TOO bothered yesterday – it was an intellectual frustration, so not a smouldering, all – encompassing resentment which is a step in the right direction for me, I reckon!

I don’t remember dreams today. Frustratingly, I have some unformed images in my mind, but I can’t bring into any kind of tangible memory of anything so I’ll accept that I slept like a baby and simply cannot expect to remember right now. Perhaps I’ll remember later.

I notice I have noticed a tendency to paragraph these notes these days. I wonder why that is. Are my thoughts more organised than they have been previously? Highly doubtful! Perhaps it’s a side effect of the sheer amount of writing I’ve been doing recently and it’s just the way my mind has started to work . Who knows? In any case, it’s quite cool that it’s just happened and I kind of wish I hadn’t noticed now as immediately I’m judging it, but it’s still cool. I like writing these notes with a pencil, my handwriting is still barely legible at the best of times, but I like the feeling of pencil on the page. Perhaps it reminds me of the wonder days of learning to write. How hard must that have actually been? To learn the co –ordination required to write. To learn the CONCEPT of writing? The concept of communicating through language, first of all, and then the concept of the system for doing that, and then understanding that those ideas can be translated and made into something that physically exists, and is visible on the page by you swirling a set pattern, which means something, to both yourself and everyone else who has learned the same patterns and the same meanings, and that this way of sharing your thoughts is, in itself, a form of wonderful self – expression of those “thoughts” and full of possibility? Imagine the processes needed to put all that together to create the understanding completely ingrained, of how to communicate the findings of the wondrous world that one has created through labels and language. It’s insane when you think about it.

When you let yourself think about everything else, basic motor skills and stuff. Yikes.. My shoulder feels tense, so without even recognising it, I move it to alleviate. My foot is resting against the table leg. I can feel it. Recognition and the immediate application of label and concept – my foot, the action of my foot, the table leg, and even an emotional sense of how it feels to me, specifically, to be resting my foot against this table leg. Such a wealth of personal conceptualising, labelling, processing over such a small thing. It’s absolutely mind boggling. The more I think about it, the more amazed I become, by how we work and interact with everything around us. It’s ridiculous! And the more I learn about physiology and anatomy, the more stunned I am by how much is going on inside us all the time, in the physical sense, the physical body, and we have absolutely no idea. It’s freaking crazy! But also awesome. Just looking around, I try to imagine what it would be like to be in this room with no labels for anything. If I was just sat here, seeing it all as it is, no labels, no nothing. I can’t actually do it, I can’t imagine. I have such a deeply ingrained set of basic rules about how to process the world, what everything “is” and what I am taking in via my senses, that I can’t imagine anything different. I’ve completely bought into this system of thinking. Pretty awesome system though. Not going to complain.

So, this morning, I think wonderment is a good terms for what’s going on with me. I’m amazed that I can even write this, imagine writing this, let alone make sense of what I’m writing, make some kind of systematic sense of what’s going on around me and then communicate it like this. I’m alone. But there is so much going on around me right now. I’m ALIVE, which is amazing idea in itself, the mechanics of the human body and how we keep ourselves alive are incredible. We really are enough. Everything we see, think, imagine, comes from US. The material world depends on us, and our ability, and willingness to process it. In a way, I suppose we truly are all – powerful. Oh dear, have I developed a God complex? Nah. Don’t think so. I’m just impressed with life. Really impressed.

Right. Time for breakfast. And Tea. Yum!

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