Weds April 24th 2013

6.53 a.m.

In terms of dreams I don’t remember much. An old friend from school was a player in some way, I remember that. I seem to remember waking up, going to pee, thinking ah, that’s interesting, that dream I was having is really relevant – but obviously I now can’t remember what that dream actually was. Quite typical, really. Looks set to be another beautiful day, hope the weather holds up..

My neck and shoulders feel quite tense this morning – all a product of the workouts I’ve been doing this week, I think – I should stretch out as I don’t want to carry lots of muscular tension around ‘round with me. Complicated conversations around the issue of breakfast – not as hungry as usual this morning but got up to keep up with Billy; his schedule has somehow shifted forward today. Spent quite a lot of time in the sun yesterday which was lovely – was good to catch up and hear all about LA and the madness. I was at a point where my thoughts in the morning seemed to flow nicely onto the page but recently, I seem to be blocked, somehow. I’m trying not to let myself get frustrated by it as it won’t help, but think I am pushing things down a bit in the name of being able to enjoy the weather. Is that silly? Who knows? I don’t know, particularly, what’s healthy anymore. I don’t want to wallow, but I know there is stuff that still needs to be worked through. In the same vein, I can’t bring myself to really go there because it’s a nice day and I’m tired of living in a way that feels so unnatural and stressful, despite its fundamental honesty. I don’t know what’s right in this regard, at all! No one likes a cry baby, right? But I’m working towards being someone who is less obsessed with everyone liking them and being someone who is unafraid to truly express themselves, no matter what the opinion of others.. Then again, if I am resolved to be who I really am, to the outer world, even I myself, may not be able to get on with the person I become, or reveal, because I’m almost getting to know myself again. I don’t know what I’m talking about! Oh well. Yawn. The sound of water drip, drip, dripping. Edgy. Why am I edgy? It’s never good to wake up feeling this way. Oh well. Today though, will be a positive day. I can make it so. Why am I in a bad mood?! Urgh! Okay, tea and breakfast. Then I’ll work through it. Probably just hungry, actually, underneath it all. Hunger is not a good feeling, although I’ve been fortunate in my life to never really feel hunger – you know, the state where you actually NEED food or your heart will literally stop beating. I’ve had a privileged life. I’ve only ever experienced “I haven’t eaten for a few hours” hunger, which probably, scientifically, doesn’t actually count as hunger at all. Anyway, time for the day. Going to make it a good one, dammit!

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