I feel like I’m in my own movie.
The rain is beating down on the windows of the conservatory I am sat in. It’s cold, but this isn’t my own space, it is someone else’s, and I’m not familiar enough with the internal workings of this place to be able to solve the temperature issue. In any case, it doesn’t bother me as much as it may have done at another time; I’m strangely pleased that I am alert and awake, both on a purely physiological level, and on an “intellectual” level. It’s amazing to me that I don’t mind that I’m a bit cold. Habitually I would be very uncomfortable and upset about it. I don’t even mind that I was caught in the rain and still carry dampness in each strand of hair on my head that will only get worse as the day goes on. This is completely against type.
The Velvet Underground plays through the tinny speakers of my laptop. As the drones and drawls of Lou Reed fill up the room with thin frequencies, I find my mind imagining how this scene would appear to the naked eye from every conceivable angle. From one angle, an almost romantic image of a young woman typing away at her keyboard, listening to cool music as the rain taps on the windows, spending time in the basement flat of a good friend who she is helping. There are many positive associations with that picture. From another angle, this is a sad image, of a young woman, alone, during the day, while the rest of the world is happening. When the rest of the world is living. A young woman, sitting, listening to the tinny vibrations of an album full of musings about love, loss, helplessness, as she taps away at the keys, fruitlessly searching for the self – expression and liberation that she seeks as she searches for fulfilment of some kind. A young woman, alone.
Life really is just a matter of the angle that you choose to see the world from. As I sit here, typing away for no real reason (other than that I “feel” like it), with no particular direction, I’m fascinated by how many different ways I can see my own situation. At this precise moment, I am simply sat, in my friends’ flat, cat – sitting. That’s all. But, somehow, the music I have chosen to play, the activity I have chosen to perform, the sensory inputs that my brain has received today from the moment I woke up this morning to this precise second; all of these things somehow create a colourful, emotionally driven landscape upon which this basic situation can be transposed. And, once transposed, once the angle has been chosen, this scene really can reflect anything. It can be a scene of hope, of peace, of sadness, of tragedy, of love. It can be anything.
It’s a hopeful discovery. That a scene can be anything that you want it to be. It’s completely up to you. Sometimes, it may be difficult to see that there are options, different perspectives to take, different lenses to try, before you carve out an unchangeable pathway of perception of a situation, but everything is completely at the mercy of how you choose to see it. A friend, or family member, a book you read, even a pet may introduce you to an alternative way of seeing something, an alternative attitude; and those differing perspectives and ideas and attitudes are what help us to grow. To enjoy life. To be challenged. To find new avenues of expression.
Whatever scene you find yourself in, it’s up to you to decide what it means, what it reflects, the angle that you want to take on what is happening. It’s completely up to you. A scene can say whatever you want it to say. It can be whatever you want it to be. You are the director of your own life story. You can express whatever you want. You can tell whatever story you want to tell. Live whatever story you want to live. It’s yours.
Wow, writing this has been really helpful. Sometimes it’s worth going with your feelings and seeing what comes out of you; I’m so surprised by what my brain comes out with when I let it roam free! It’s liberating giving yourself the opportunity to simply take a trip into yourself with no thought of the outcome. It’s exciting to think of how much treasure we all have hidden inside, waiting to be found. It’s cool.
Thanks for reading.
An Ordinary Idealist