Sun May 5th 2013

7.50 a.m.

So comfy and relaxed this morning in bed! The birds sound very excited about something this morning. I’m debating whether to lean back against the wall and relax as I’m currently supporting myself and it feels like a lot of effort! Wow, it’s May 5th..! Insane. This has been the fastest year of my life. I find myself feeling apprehensive about this exercise this morning as I couldn’t do it yesterday. I don’t know what happened. I felt completely blocked. Anyway, I had a wonderful sleep. I was dreaming, I remember, a good dream, but I can’t recall the detail which is a bit upsetting! Doh. Doesn’t matter, anyway. Looks like today is the perfect day for sitting in the park, hanging out, having a nice time. Looks wondrous outside! Yay! Watched a couple of movies last night, which was good. Very educational, although I did feel guilty as I didn’t really fulfil my duties at all. I only sat and wrote for an hour or so, and I didn’t really do much else. Still, I suppose rest works wonders for your brain. Only one day off. Bank Holiday weekend – such perfect weather for it. Very pleased indeed.

Can feel the presence of the mean Inner Critic. Telling me that things aren’t going to happen. It’s crippling me at the moment, I can feel myself forgetting the feeling of flow that I had previously and giving in to this old, habitual & maladaptive response to walking forward without the false assurance of an outcome that I can actually see in reality rather than simply in my minds’ eye. No point in fighting against any of this though, completely futile. The key is to go with it, be educated, move forward in the face of it, and trust more in that vision. That’s the key, trust. Just need to refine it; you have to engage in the conflict, the mess, to resolve it and learn from it and grow. No point in running away from it, or trying to repress it, or close your eyes and tell yourself it isn’t there. That’s deception. And that’s what I’m trying to get away from. The sunshine keeps me happy. Feels like nothing can get me down when the sun is shining! What’s the point in letting things get to you, anyway? The only choice we have to make in life is whether we choose to react positively or negatively – it’s just a choice. Everything else is ultimately just what it is, right? I wish it was easier to really experience this clarity consistently. More than ever before though, which can only be a good thing. It’ll just take a bit of time and continued effort, as with all positive stuff that one can do with the time one has. Yeah.

Breakfast. What a happy thought.

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