Mon May 6th 2013

7.22 a.m.

My dreams involved Rico- for some reason, I was walking by the canal in my hometown, and it was a really pleasant walk but someone stole him and put him in the water at one point. At another point, we stopped off at someone’s house (doing word associations) and he pooped all over the floor which was frustrating, and embarrassing.

Billy is lumbering about with a bad back at the moment which incites both sympathy and entertainment. Does that make me mean? I’m feeling a bit frustrated at the moment, my writing doesn’t seem to be flowing out onto the page as well at is has done, in the past. I’ve hit a bit of a wall and need to keep persisting but I keep judging what I’m doing and what I’ve done and wondering what the point of it all actually is. It’s a silly cycle to get into, definitely, so I know I mustn’t let it escalate and keep the positivity flowing – but the only way to do that is to accept that there will be times when I will suffer from a heightened lowering of self – confidence. I wonder why these phases hit, when they do? I suppose because I’m redrafting stuff and that’s the challenging bit – spitting out whatever you want onto a page isn’t too bad, ultimately. It’s the discipline of reworking stuff that is tough. Just requires a lot of effort and discipline and is a challenge of the ego to go over material over and over, which eventually begins to bore you, and look at your own work objectively, accepting what is bad, but, even more difficult, allowing yourself to believe that you may even have some stuff in there is good.

Watched Manhattan last night. I’d forgotten how funny it is. One of my favourite films for years, but I REALLY enjoyed it last night. I love that it’s in B&W too, big fan – and what dialogue! Not sure if I prefer Annie Hall, actually. Man, to be able to write like Woody Allen! That would be cool. Have a visitor coming over today, will be fun; looks like it’s shaping up to be a beautiful day outside! The birds are out in full force, chirping away. Some stuff is tough to work through, but just there to keep going on with, I suppose. Feeling a bit blocked at the moment. Am I asking myself to short the door on my own emotion an act of desperate self – preservation? Who knows? I guess I’ll work it out. Man, I’m starving. Going to get breakfast. Yeah!

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