Thurs May 16th 2013

8.50 a.m.

Got to sleep at 4 a.m. on Tuesday night, woke up around 7 yesterday, and I think it’s caught up with me. Woke up feeling frustrated with myself; I don’t seem to be able to operate with the same creative freedom that I found a couple of weeks ago. I wonder what has shifted to cause this block. I’m feeling more fearful; judging myself and what I’m doing, struggling to fully commit to what I’m doing – not sure what has caused this. Perhaps I am distracted by other things and need to process them first because they are blocking me. Perhaps the mind is so clear that it won’t let me feel comfortable to make sure that I don’t repress anything that’s going on that I need to accept and process. I don’t know. I seem to be in a different space. I feel pretty awful this morning; but again, could simply be due to a lack of sleep. I should let myself feel this, embrace and experience it fully, because it must be happening for a good reason – I must need to feel it. Just need to make sure I don’t make the mistake of indulging or wallowing in it. I just find myself feeling that all of the things that I’m working on at the moment are a bit pointless – that the ideas don’t work, and stuff. I don’t know. I’d like to get through this phase though, tempted to falsely break myself out of it. Perhaps the lesson here is in how I deal with this – do I need to change the routine I’m in (clearly not working very well at the current time)? Is it becoming stale? I’m also upset that my weight seems to be sitting at a level that I don’t really understand. Then I get angry that I even care about it, because it’s such a shallow thing to bother yourself with! Urgh! I need to get out of bed and DO something, I think. Get out of this rut. Feel like I’m in a rut, at the moment. ARGH! My brain is fuzzy, filled with thoughts that I neither want, nor need. Why am I feeling this way? Selfish people, for one. Indulging their selfish needs with little consideration of the fact that  such self – indulgence is likely to cause pain all – ‘round for all involved. That’s one. Another is judgement. Selfishly jumping into my subconscious which doesn’t seem capable of managing the impact of things. Where is my resolve? It’s definitely inside me. It’s just a bit less inclined to show itself, at the moment. Yeah. I need to keep working on keeping it prominent. Not letting it pale into the background.

Feel better. More clear headed. Turning 29 is confusing. Wonder what turning 30 will feel like…?


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