Fri May 17th 2013

7.05 a.m.

Set the alarm for 6.30 a.m. so I’d wake up and get started with the day at a good time – without it, I’d wake up at 8 a.m. and somehow that seems to throw my whole schedule out of whack. Sweet Thing (the Van Morrison one) is in my head this morning, one  of my absolute favourite songs but sometimes it makes me cry because it has so many associations for me. It’s one of those songs I’ve listened to for so many years it conjures up loads of different feelings, so having it in my head first thing feels a bit mad, but also kind of good. Confusing. It’s a song that’s very heavily laden with symbolism for me. Which, in a way, is a real gift. Feeling this way reminds me that I’m human, which is reassuring. Always good to be reminded that you aren’t completely devoid of the ability to be madly sentimental. Not that I need much reminding, if I’m honest with myself.

What’s in my head this morning? It’s a grey morning, but somehow that seems romantic, in it’s own way. I’m getting back into a flow of stuff which is good, still finding it all a bit hard but I found it easier yesterday, and as the days go on I’m sure I’ll continue to find it easier and easier. Having the dog over to visit yesterday was really helpful, somehow; I was feeling lonely, and he really alleviated that loneliness and having him curled up at my feet as I wrote made me feel like a real writer, which was cool. It was like a dream come true, in a way, as I’ve always imagined myself working at home, writing away, being creative as the world goes about it’s business, with a dog curled up at my feet – occasionally walking around to explore. That’s how it felt with him yesterday. Was lovely.

I’m feeling some familiar feelings, all of a sudden. Some of sadness, some of guilt; I don’t think I’m quite out of the inner psychic drama yet! It’s still happening, and I’m still present and aware of it. I’ve felt really positive over the last few weeks and I suppose it’s inevitable that I’ll go through this cycle for a while. Maybe forever. It feels like an educational process; one that is almost necessary to facilitate growth and ensure that complacency doesn’t become the status quo. Perhaps this is one of the side – effects of living the lifestyle that I’ve chosen & love; perhaps this is why  some of those brave souls who scratch the surface of the psychological challenges that such a change and fully acknowledged desire to create facilitates, decide, ultimately, that it is better for them to go back to a “safer” place. Sometimes it feels that there is an element of danger to this journey; not in the material sense, but in the psychological one. That you may open up a well of emotional energy that has the power to overwhelm and cause genuine fear and difficult realisations. It doesn’t always feel like a wonderful sea of creative energy; sometimes it’s fucking scary. But, in a weird way, I like it. I feel like things are shifting and changing inside, and it’s necessary. And I’m going through something I need to go through to become a better human being, and to create cool stuff that means something to me.

Hmm. What else. Dreams. Do I remember them? I don’t seem to have anything in my head this morning – though the alarm woke me so I’d expect to have some kind of memory of them. My head seemed to be buzzing with thoughts when I woke up, most of them prevailing to the [can’t read my writing here!] conscious of the moment, but I must have had some kind of fragment in my head. In any case, I’m not remembering them right now. Bugger. I guess I’ll get up, start the day, feels good to be up at this time!

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