Thurs May 23rd 2013

7.10 a.m.

So comfortable in bed these days! It’s ridiculously comfortable in here at the moment! My eyes are barely open so this will be interesting indeed. Yesterday was an interesting day, spent a lot of it walking around London. Was grey but still wonderful. Woke up this morning and it looks absolutely beautiful, so my walking adventures will be wondrous today aswell, no doubt, with the added extra of being in [illegible]! Yay! I don’t seem to be able to remember my dream from last night. I’m sure I had them..! But I can’t remember. I feel a bit haunted at the moment; by what, I don’t know. I suppose once I’m able to be more honest with myself I’ll be able to understand better. Let’s see. Coffee and dinner with Ernie yesterday was great fun; he’s always the best of company and we always have those wonderful conversations where two people seem to understand each other perfectly. I’m lucky to have a few people like that in my life. I also enjoy his narrative style; always tells a story in a conspiratorial way – as though some great secret is being shared!

Was absolutely shocked when I got home last night and heard about what happened in Woolwich yesterday. Literally didn’t know how to react. Such brutality. It’s sad. I keep thinking about that poor soldier; what he must have gone through, and his family. God. Such cruelty and disrespect for human life. It’s just awful that this kind of immeasurably grotesque and fucked up capacity for hate still remains in the human make-up. Horrible.

Learning to walk again. Interesting. A real struggle. I don’t understand why it’s so hard. Still, it’s been done before, and can be done again. My brain works in very strange ways. It tends to want to go around in circles around issues which cause anxiety and pain and in the name of what…? I don’t know. It’s strange. And difficult. Very difficult. In many ways things are good at the moment, they really are. But my brain.. Can’t shake the anxiety, the questions, the anticipation of things tumbling down completely… Maybe not now, maybe not in a year, but at some point. I can’t bring myself to trust in things completely. Which is sad. The good news is that this is all resolvable with enough commitment and hard work; I just need to keep working at resolving these patterns and learn to trust myself. Ultimately that’s what it comes down to. If I fully trust myself, other concerns aren’t bigger than I am. If I don’t, the world is a big, scary place. I’m not letting the world look so intimidating anymore.

And of course there’s always the other, entirely reliable plus point of life: breakfast! Yeah!


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