Weds May 29th 2013

7.30 a.m.

Wow. Slept a lot! Got into bed at around 7. 45 and pretty much slept straight through. Think I needed it though, absolutely knackered. I feel better this morning, perhaps that marathon sleep was just what the doctor ordered – we’ll see. Anyway, slept very well. Where is my dream recall going? Don’t have anything in my head at all, dammit!

Now feeling a strange sense of “Oh My God, what is going on with my career?” type stuff. It can be tough to stick to your resolve sometimes, to keep feeling that you’re on the right path even though nothing really seems to be happening. It’s all happening below the conscious level. It’s all worth it. Trusting is tough. It’s hard to keep going when it feels like nothing is really happening for you. It’s really hard. Yuk. I don’t know whether I have the strength to keep doing it, to be honest. Running out of a sense of resolve at this point. Need to find my way back into a positive state of mind again. I just don’t know which direction to take. How to get acting work? Is there any real point in spending my time writing? Learning about film – making? What’s the point? I should get a day job. Urgh. Clearly my confidence has taken a bit of a knock and I feel weird about it all today but that’s the nature of the game I’ve chosen to play. And I’ve chosen to play it because it’s what I want. It’s tough, but anything worth doing is.

Woke up late today. This feels like it’ll be shorter, as I can feel myself blocking my own flow as I do this because I’m not enjoying what I’m feeling at the moment. I know that it’s not going to help, but I have to ride it out. Being aware of your emotional life is exhausting. But – well worth it. I am in better place now than I ever have been. Must notice that and make today a positive day. Bad days are okay. Must get over this obsession with perfection; it’s a complete illusion.

Just need to get back into the groove today is all. It’ll all work out fine. I gotta do what? I gotta believe!

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