Thurs May 30th 2013

7.29 a.m

Oh dear.

I am suffering from a lack of motivation. Interestingly, as I write, I can see a change in my handwriting – usually a scrawl with a slight slant, it’s fully upright with sharply formed letters. I wonder if this implies a sense of admittance, strength, frustration, fear. Who knows? Perhaps it’s sheer coincidence, but there you go. Worth consideration.

I dreamt about family last night. This guy I used to work with, quite uncomfortable as he was a bit slimy, had asked me to go somewhere which, I’m relieved to report, freaked me out as much in the dream as it would have done in real life. I told my parents, who were in bed, in their old bedroom, and Mum advised me to stay away from him if I wanted to and that there was no need to do it. Dad was bizarrely quiet on the issue. Then, I overheard my cousins talking – my sister was there too, and they were discussing how annoying I was – about how I constantly made excuses at events for not being able to stay longer, etc. The slimeball was there too, as though they all had some kind of alliance. I walked in, was greeted as though nothing was being said, and began to confront me, when something happened (don’t remember what) and my line of thought was interrupted. In any case, I was quite upset.

Hmm. I do worry that my family think badly of me sometimes. That they feel that I don’t fulfil certain familial obligations sometimes – but the truth of the matter for me, is that I know that getting involved in such obligatory wrangles is suffocating and only adds further barriers to going to wherever you may want to go in life. Actually, it adds huge barriers to the process of even being able to IDENTIFY what it is that you truly want out of life. I don’t know, it’s another thing that’s out of balance that I need to address, but at the moment I am tackling plenty and may even be a better member of the family for the process I’m going through. Makes me think. In the long run, although I may be thought of as being selfish for leaving the traditional family life behind, to an extent, I do believe in my capacity and love for my family. In the end, that’s what counts. Still, I do feel bad sometimes.

There’s a bird singing outside; sounds like some kind of spaceship alert signal. Weird. I can also hear the kettle boiling. Interesting juxtaposition.

Motivation. Hmm. Perhaps I actually need a good few weeks OFF. Simply not doing anything. Once I’ve finished my current workout regime and writing piece, I may do this. Two or three weeks of solid down time – no stress, obligation, nothing. Nothing on the to – do’s except recharge. At the moment I’m not letting myself do that properly, so I’m feeling stressed, but once I’ve hit a few milestones, completed a few things I need to complete, I’ll do it, and come back massively refreshed and ready to go. Yeah!

Yuk, I have a cold. Bugger. Still, could be worse. Certainly not as groggy as I felt yesterday, so it’s all good. Good times.

On with today. My favourite Day.

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