Mon Jun 3rd 2013

8 a.m.

My brain is very busy this morning. Yesterday’s audition was disastrous; never before have I frozen in that situation as I did yesterday. The strangest thing though, is that I didn’t freak out about it at all. Not at the time, not all day yesterday – but this morning, I find myself thinking about it in that self – critical voice of judgement that creeps up on me every so often. The truth of the matter is, that I can be proud of myself for showing up at that audition in the first place and giving it my best. It’s a lot to ask, for someone to perform in another language. Didn’t do a bad job of the monologue, considering. All in all, I’ve come a long way – I do feel a bit rubbish about it, yes, but I think it’s a hangover from how I actually used to be, rather than how I actually feel. The whole thing is just a big hive of funniness really; the world is about more than whether I’m able to improvise a scene about buying vegetables in a market in another language. Which is a good way to look at things, I think.

I had a lovely day yesterday. Seeing friends in the City (different sides of the city) was wonderful – and not really knowing how the day was going to pan out and playing it by ear was really wonderful. I should do that more often. Also feeling quite honoured to be asked to help out with Billy’s bro’s fitness regime, because I like to help, and appreciate being asked. It implies a trust that I appreciate.

I did have a dream in my head when I woke up, but I can’t remember it just now. I have Paradise City in my head – take me hooooooo-oooooooo-wwoooooooomee!

Feeling a bit fat at the moment. I’ve been walking loads, but for whatever reason, I feel like I’m not in the same place I was in January and I don’t like it. I think I need to get back on track psychologically, because I can feel a slightly stilted sense of stuff that isn’t what I want. Fluidity is everything. I think the plan to really focus on stuff in June, and have a break in July is a good ‘un – both of us could do with a rest, I think. It does feel odd to say that when unemployed – but I do feel tired out. Why..? Who knows? I suppose the effort that goes into a relationship shouldn’t be underestimated. Like any long – term anything, they require investment, persistence, and effort, and it can be tiring when you’re dealing with long term issues. In the end though, it’s worth it; the happiness I feel when I come home to Billy and curl up and giggle about silly stuff is the kind of wonderful feeling I can’t imagine experiencing with another person in that way. It’s cool. I wonder how people can attest to being excited about getting home after 7 years & a raft of “Life” issues? Hopefully lots of people, but I remain unconvinced. I’m writing with a biro for the first time in ages & it’s great. My handwriting actually looks vaguely legible! Wow. Perhaps I’ve found my pen of choice.

Anyway, I should get on. Today I’m going to: a) email goal questions for fitness programme b) complete PT session plans and submit c) write a blog entry d) workout e)update acting profiles f) sent CV to TTR g) look at a script. Not sure which one yet, though.

On with breakfast. I’m excited!

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