Tues Jun 4th 2013

7.35 a.m.

Another day where my brain is feeling busy and I don’t really like it because the thoughts swilling around are not necessarily positive ones. Things are really getting to me and I’m worked up; I’m definitely not relaxed, and I worry than I’m going backwards in every way. This is so stupid. So, so, stupid. The worst bit is that it’s a beautiful day and even that isn’t enough to get me into a different space. My body feels extremely tense and I’m not doing enough work to relax it – I’m going backwards on that. My audition showed that my acting ability is paling. I’ve lost all confidence in my pilot and the other scripts that I write, and I’m feeling guilty about pretty much everything. I’m feeling frustrated and as though I can’t communicate. I have a funny taste in my mouth which I hate, and I’m frustrated because fundamentally I know that I’m a simple person with basic needs and only the simplest things are really needed to keep me happy. Why do I think about shit? Urgh. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do about it, really. Ride it out, I suppose. Distract myself. Elephant by Tame Impala is in my head this morning. I’m going to treat myself to Nutella with my porridge as a small comfort to make myself feel better. MAN I’m angry. Stupid stupid stupid. We even watched The Count of Monte Cristo, which I love for lots of reasons – what a brilliant story – but the excitement of seeing it after years would usually carry itself through to the morning but today I feel like shit and have crap in my brain that is all negative and I know to be completely unhelpful and I don’t know why I’m in this space. I’m in some strange cycle that I don’t want to be in and to top it all off, I’m feeling sorry for myself, which I don’t want to do, at all. Self pity is the worst thing of all, and I end up feeling awful when I do it because I don’t respect it but I can’t help it at the moment. Pathetic. There are many ways to deal with such a storm of the psyche; what defines me is how I deal with it. Have to bear this in mind. We all have our challenges. This is a good thing. Confrontation and acceptance is key. And can sometimes feel hard. In the end though, this is all positive.

Right. On with the day. Can’t be defined by this madness!

Tea and porridge. Oh yeah.


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