Fri 7th Jun 2013

9.19 a.m.

Had a disturbed sleep last night due to hormonal cramp which wasn’t much fun. I remember getting up and thinking about the dream I’d just been roused from though, obviously, I can’t remember it now. Dammit! I had “Backstreets” in my head when I woke up at 4 a.m., perhaps that tells me something. Or maybe it’s just a catchy tune. Possibly my favourite on the album. A delay is playing in my brain. I also took the opportunity to create the theatre of the mind as I lay awake and realised that there are a couple of essential components; a pot of tea (of course), and a golden retriever, who I’ve called Ajax, who lies curled up at my feet as I watch, occasionally coming up for some attention. Beautiful. And three, a really comfortable armchair in which to sink, and absorb the movies of my imagination. I’m shocked by how poor my concentration is; I’m out of practice, really need to get the sense memory exercises back on track and get back into a space where I can concentrate and focus within for more than 10 seconds at a time.

There is a lot of shouting going on upstairs today. Wonder what that’s about.

Yesterday was a very satisfying day. Got loads of stuff done. Can’t underestimate the value of a to – do list! I’m also enjoying the process of building a positive self – image where I am everything that I’ve always believed myself to be, without fear. Here’s the thing I’ve realised. I’ve been a fearful person. I’ve always made the mistake of mistaking fear for compassion, but actually, my so – called compassion has sometimes been a manifestation of my own fear and self – doubt. My idea of compassion equated to getting screwed over when, in fact, that is simply a symptom of a fundamental lack of self – respect and courage to stand up for what you believe you deserve. I understand that, now. I can still be a decent, compassionate person and be the person that I am, without any fear. There’s no reason to be fearful. There’s nothing to lose. It’s a wonderful realisation. I’m fortunate to be where I am. This week has been positive in this regard. I’m making another shift in my thinking; after a tough few weeks, I’m coming out with a sense of self – worth that I don’t think I’ve ever had before. Progress, indeed! Onwards and upwards. My only nagging complaint is that I’m on my sodding period! They are SO annoying! Oh well, never mind. Hopefully it won’t be too bad. That’s up to me too, right?

Today will be a great day. Yeah!

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