Mon Jun 10th 2013

7.03 a.m.

Literally forced myself awake this morning following our conversation yesterday about the timings of breakfast and the stress being called by my recent later waking. It’s good; I do need to get up a bit earlier and get stuff done at an earlier time or I lose a valuable opportunity to get things done. My eyes feel a bit stuck together though. I got up at 5 a.m. and put the heating on this morning; was freezing!

I had a dream that I went to a friends’ house unannounced. Dad drove me there, which was kind of him; he didn’t know the way properly – all I knew in the dream was that I was looking for a town called “Lucinda” and we missed it, but Dad found the way anyway. The door to the house was open, and I sat in the front room waiting for my friend & her fiancé to wake up. Her fiancé came downstairs wrapped in a duvet, and was very friendly when he saw me – he greeted me and went straight back upstairs. A few people came in and started cleaning; one of them introduced himself to me – he was called Colin and had ginger hair and blue eyes. He looked like the ginger guy from Modern Family crossed with the drug dealer from Pulp Fiction. There was another cleaner; an Indian lady – she asked me to move from the sofa where I was sitting. For some reason, in this dream, this request caused me great offence. Strange. Then my friend came downstairs, happy to see me, and wedding discussions began. On the side table there were 7 or 8 bags of Maltesers (the big bags) and I noticed a photo of my friend and her fiancé on the front of one of the bags of sweets. On the reverse of the bag, I saw a photo of myself, my friend and the other two friends who made up our “group” when we were at secondary school – an image which I don’t think actually exists. My friends’ Mum was at the house and they discussed how to organise the house to create enough space to host the reception. Then, my friend began to talk about chocolate rice crispie cakes and how they were her last treat before starting a mega healthy regime to get “skinny”. Strange. In the dream, she said she wanted to pick my brain about something but I never got a chance to find out what, as the alarm went off. Details that I remember of the front room of the house are that it had a big window, not a bay window though. There were two armchairs against the wall on the right hand side of the room. The sofa was a camel kind of colour. There was a TV in the corner by the window, a fireplace opposite the armchair where I was sitting. The kitchen was a galley style, with grey tiles. It was a dark kitchen – in the dream, it was mentioned that Billy’s Mum had said that she would go to the wedding / reception if it happened in the dream – I remember trying to recall whether they had actually met one another. Interesting dream.  I suppose it all comes down to my amazement at my friend’s resolve to get married; she is so completely sure about her fiancé, even though they haven’t been together a full year. Good for her! I’m pleased as this cements my idealistic view of life and love; that you can, in fact, be hit by a thunderbolt, and it can be a profound jolt in the right direction. I felt that I was; the reality is, that I would never have resolved to work so hard at my relationship if I didn’t have the happy memory of that initial feeling to carry me through in doubtful times. So it does exist. Yeah!

Continuing to work hard and setting goals and what I want and letting them seep into the subconscious. The truth is that I feel that I’ve made a wonderful realisation that is really liberating. It’s quite simple, really. Basically, the world is a BIG place. So little me, with what I WANT; I am important to me, and to those around me, but in the grand scheme of things, what I want isn’t really that important. Getting what I want, in the grand scheme of things, isn’t really the point. It’s not the getting that feeds and nurtures. Being a better human being, whatever that means to the individual, is the real point. So, regardless of whether you actually get what you want or not, keep going and working at it, because actually, it’s the doing and putting that effort which really creates satisfaction because you are developing as a human being, getting better with everything that you do. Developing positively as a complete human being. What a thought. All the frustration that you feel, all that anxiety that consumes you because you worry that you aren’t in control feels as though it’s melted away when you look at life like that. It’s such a simple thing, (surprisingly difficult in some ways because you have all these blocks preventing you from believing that you deserve to be happy) but allowing yourself to appreciate YOU and what you DO in such a fundamental way that the rest of the world giving you what you want doesn’t matter is incredible. You generate your own good feeling by doing, and what you generate and create simply by doing, not getting, is the priceless reward. Developing as a human being generates more desire to continue to develop in that broad landscape and you keep going, because you find yourself feeling less insecure – the world doesn’t threaten you so much, and you are free to do whatever you want to do because ultimately, failure, as a concept, ceases to exist. Only living exists. And you’re doing that until you die – at which point, you either don’t know it because it’s all over, or you experience the liberation of leaving your body to exist on a new plane of some kind. All in all, life is a real gift. Living is a gift. When you have that, and we all do, and you’re doing what you love to do, life is pretty good. What perspective! It’s pretty cool waking up in the morning feeling like this!

On that note, time to go and warm up for the day.. Shoulder is tense. Then, tea and breakfast. Yeah!

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