Thurs Jun 13th 2013

8.42 a.m.

Haven’t strictly just woken up. Had a strange morning where I fluctuated between sleep and snooze. That tends to throw the system out of whack, although it feels good at the time that you’re doing it. Billy is sick, whether physical, or simply sick with stress, I don’t know; but he didn’t feel that he could call and say that he needed to stay at home today. I don’t understand it, such work based stress without the pay – off of being able to take a day off if you’re sick. I’d love to see him begin to plan his exit with more fervour; he seems so fundamentally unhappy with his situation that it affects the very core of his being. Still, I must learn to be less of a busybody when it comes to his affairs; all I can do is ultimately gauge the effect this has on me, make sure I don’t take it out on him, and respond as best as I can to help mitigate the effects and help him without taking responsibility for him, a mistake I’ve made in the past which is bad for both of us and quite a misjudgement on my part.

I have porridge on the hob, bubbling away. An exciting prospect. I dreamt of some kind of celebration – perhaps new year – there was a group of us, all trying to work out what we wanted to do. There were a few people at this bar, already wasted and dancing – for some reason, I think it was 3 in the afternoon. In the dream I also cut my hair short for some reason. I must admit, I was pleased when I woke up and realised that I still had long (ish) locks as I’ve been growing it for so long.

This morning is requiring quite a lot of effort to be positive, to be honest. It’s worth being honest with myself at this point I think. Work through it. I don’t really understand why one morning you wake up and you’re feeling really good and energetic, and the next, you’re just a bit lacklustre. It’s just a state of mind, of course, chemical, but it’s strange that I can’t isolate the cause of fluctuation or change. Although, I worry that I suffer from a state of chronic dissatisfaction sometimes. When you look at a situation and you can see the positives but you remain unsure, that’s a sign that you aren’t willing to let yourself be satisfied, perhaps. It’s pretty crippling being that afraid. The key thing here is not to let this bump in the road of today’s journey dictate the rest of the path and how it goes. It’s really not important enough to carry any weight or guilt about how I feel – that’s silly. It’s just the way it is.

Nothing feels better than getting stuff done, anyway. Yesterday was a really positive day; worked through the stuff I needed to do and focused and committed to it all, so go me! I’m pleased.

On with the day! I’m sure it’ll be a good one. It’s up to me, after all. First things first in Operation Positivity – breakfast! Yeah!

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