Man, I’m in a bad mood this morning. Thoughts of failure dominate my thoughts. I feel like an utter failure. Where has this come from? I’ve only just woken up! I’m frustrated because I can’t seem to get access to the kind of auditions I want – annoying because I know I’m good enough to do a good job. Then, I don’t know, it’s happened very suddenly – I felt like this a bit yesterday too – who knows why – it’s not as though I wasted yesterday. Of all the things I wanted to get done, I only missed one thing. Is that why I’m beating myself up this morning? Perhaps I feel like this because I ate crappy oven chips and the crap they load into processed food has bizarre effects. I don’t know. I’m frustrated because I’m not ACTING. I know it’s a patience game – I just feel my resolve to be patient buckling a bit today. Don’t know why. Also got annoyed with Billy last night because it felt as though he was taking the piss out of me a bit for wanting to make sure that the light is right for this film – for suggesting that we get the white balance / contrast right – as though I was being dumb. Geez man. That’s obviously not what the intent was – or if it was, it was very subconscious and we’re all operating together and have to deal with this kind of bizarre manifestation of insecurity from each other but MAN it feels annoying. Paying attention to details is what separates an amateur job from a job truly well done – I believe that. Clearly that is bothering me – that my philosophy on how to approach life is considered to be overly laborious and unnecessarily finickety. Whatever. If this one messes up, it messes up. Fuck it. Whoah. Bad bad bad mood! And entirely out of proportion with any of the reasons that I have concocted to explain it. Perhaps I was jolted out of bed at the wrong time. In the end, it’s all rubbish and transient anyway, and as I get on with the day I’ll get over myself. Just feel horrible this morning. Why why why? Maybe it’s because I don’t have the pilot on my mind, driving me forward. Or maybe I need to stop procrastinating about my PT stuff and get a job. Yeah. I’m just being a bit silly. And I feel all guilty for writing this now. Oh well.
Urgh. Perhaps breakfast will sort me out. Usually does. Yeah. Also annoyed with myself because I set the alarm for 6pm to get up and work out, but accidentally dismissed it rather than snoozing and now I feel a bit crap. Such a bad idea – feels good at the time, but it feels so rubbish in the long run.
Right. Going to shower and wake up. That’ll help. Then, I can decide whether I’m actually stressed about something of importance, or whether I simply woke up on the wrong side of bed. Time will tell. Can’t let it get in the way of having a good day. No way, man.